The pregnancy and birth of Tara is nothing short of a miracle.

At 45 years young and after a few early pregnancy losses along the way, I’d made peace our beautiful nine year old daughter Maya, would be an only child.

So in spring 2020 when I started feeling consistently nauseous I became concerned.

My inner hypochondriac wondered whether I had a serious illness.

I’d recently had a light period- and thought my nausea could be another sign of perimenopause, since my cycle had become irregular lately.

This led me down the rabbit hole of Dr Google, searching ‘does perimenopause make you nauseous?’

As the nausea increased over a few weeks I became more worried and decided to call my GP for some screening tests.

The day I’d intended to make the appointment, on a hunch I bought a pregnancy test.

I’d noticed a few other physical signs that I’d only ever felt with the pregnancy of Maya.

And besides, I rationalised, at least I could rule one thing out before the GP visit.

When I did the test I couldn’t believe it when I saw the two lines.

I instantly did a second test to double check. But it was true- I was pregnant.

What a miracle-surprise!

When I shared the news with Viv he was cautiously excited- three early pregnancy losses can have that effect…

We decided to keep it between the two of us and our midwife Janine O’Brien (Ibirth), for as long as we could.

And each day after that I became grateful for the nausea, knowing it was a good sign.

There were more surprises in store when we went for what we thought was our 12 week scan only to be told we were at least 14 weeks along- the light period I’d thought was the start of perimenopause was an implantation bleed!

Knowing there are no guarantees, we waited until we were 16 weeks along before we started sharing the news.

By this time the nausea had subsided and I was feeling great.

Most people were excited and pleased for us. Some shared their quiet concern about my age.

Others couldn’t hide their shock and fear when I answered their ‘where will you have the baby’ question with ‘at home’.

I was even told a few horror stories of over-40 births gone wrong and why hospital is the only place I should give birth (!).

Because I had enough of my own fears and concerns to overcome, Viv and I decided from then on we’d only inform those we’d be regularly seeing (and who we couldn’t hide the pregnancy from!).

Meanwhile I worked on my mental game- reading, researching, visualising, attending workshops with leaders like Rhea Dempsey, Min Mia and Jane Hardwicke-Collings plus curating our birth support team.

I worked on my physical game by continuing to teach and practice Japanese yoga combined with regular chiropractic and acupuncture sessions.

Feeling fantastic, I was so grateful my body could receive and grow a baby ‘at my age’.

Something I never forgot was how privileged I was to be able to consciously create my support team, which made such a difference to my level of care and self-belief.

I believe all birthing women deserve and should have government funded access to the same support and resources I did, as well as the option to homebirth if they’re healthy, low risk and willing.

It was only in the final month of the pregnancy that I paused my yoga practice- I felt more comfortable walking and I really enjoyed being out in nature.

At 37 weeks our midwife Janine organised a red thread ceremony to welcome in the baby.

Our doula, Kathryn Belle and birth photographer Anna Todd were there as well.

At this ceremony we shared our intentions and fears for the birth.

It was so comforting to hear Janine share she had no fears at all for me- she said she knew I’d put in the work, was physically strong and mentally ready.

I shared my only fear: that I wouldn’t believe in myself.

Then we burnt our fears and celebrated with chai and cake- it was the perfect blessingway- intimate and raw – just as I was hoping for my birth.

And so began the waiting and nesting game.

Ever since I’d learnt at Jane Hardwick-Collings’ The Shamanic Dimensions of Pregnancy workshop that babies are often born on full moons, new moons and in storms, I’d penned into the calendar the Super blood moon of May 26^th as ‘Bubba’s birthday’. I had a strong sense she/he would arrive on this date.

You can imagine my excitement when, on May 25^th at 10.30am, my waters broke.

I’d just arrived at Maya’s sports carnival and had briefly squatted to take some pressure off my back.

Without warning I felt a ‘pop’ sensation and my inner thighs became warm and wet.

I bolted to the bathrooms and also noticed the bloody show.

Discreetly I gave Maya the choice: she could stay at her carnival or come home with me.

I reassured her there were no waves yet so I didn’t think baby would come immediately.

She decided to stay so I evacuated the lively sports ground- grateful for the disguise of my dark coloured leggings and extra jacket around my waist.

On the way home I rang Viv at work but there was no answer.

Then I rang Janine and Kath, who gave me some tips and signs to be on the lookout for.

When I reached home I showered to freshen up, then lay outside in the sun while listening to a hypnobirthing track.

There were still no waves and I wondered whether this time tomorrow I’d have met my baby.

After a few calls and texts I was still unable to reach Viv- I started to worry what would happen if the waves started and I was all alone.

As if sensing my feelings, my cat Rana came and curled up next to my belly, something he never usually does.

It was so comforting to feel him purring and keeping me company- animals are so wise!

After what felt like ages (but was actually only about an hour and a half) Viv called me to let me know he was on his way- he’d left his phone in his bag at work and hadn’t heard my calls.

Finally I could relax and enjoy the sun with my cat cuddles.

When Viv arrived home we ate lunch, then he drove me to my routine acupuncture appointment with Sue Booth booked for 2pm.

Sue took my pulse and said my body was already primed for birthing action.

Almost as soon as the first needle went in I felt a light wave and could sense my baby was getting close.

It was a nurturing, nourishing session and when it ended Sue wished me the best with a knowing smile.

I felt regular, light waves on the drive home – enough to feel excited but not enough to need to drop everything and focus.

Once home I lay down for a nap and when I woke it was just getting dark.

The waves were still regular but not too intense- I put on the TENS machine so I could acclimatise to the different sensations.

Viv, Maya and I ate dinner together, lighting a candle to welcome in our new family member.

I put Maya to bed around 8.30pm, letting her know our doula, Kath would wake her up for the birth (we’d talked about it lots and Maya had said if it was a night labour she wanted to be left to sleep for the labour but woken for the birth)

The waves started to pick up around 9pm, where I needed to pause, move and breathe through them.

I was feeling a bit tired and considered trying to sleep- but I could tell by the waves I’d need to get up and move through each one so instead Viv and I listened to another hypnobirthing track.

After that we went outside and basked in the full moon light, taking a moment to pause and savour the moment- the moon was big, bright and close!

By now it was about 10.30pm and we decided we’d like our doula to come.

We called her and she asked to speak with me- I knew it was to gauge how far into my primal brain I’d gone.

We had a pretty standard conversation so she suggested she hold off coming over for about an hour to give the labour a chance to get established.

We said we’d stay in touch as I settled in to the waves.

I found it helpful being on my knees with Viv squeezing my hips through each surge.

I must have gone into the birthing zone around this time because what happened after that is a bit of a hazy blur in terms of time.

I remember noticing our doula arrive and hearing her say she’d called our midwife and birth photographer and they were on their way.

Meanwhile I stayed mostly on all fours, burying my face into a nest of pillows with each wave as Viv squeezed my hips.

I felt fully present, safe and trusting in my body and baby.

Having Viv by my side with each wave made all the difference.

At one point during a big surge my other cat Zen gently rubbed against me- I felt so held and supported- not only by my cats but by Viv and all my ancestors.

I moved into a phase where I felt very irritated.

Irritated at the discomfort in my body and the ‘slowness’ of the endorphins to kick in; irritated about the rustlings around me (my support team filling the pool); irritated at feeling abandoned when Viv wasn’t with me for one or two waves (I learned afterwards there was a ‘complication’ with the hose for the birthpool and he was desperately trying to help get it filled!); irritated my doula couldn’t read my mind and offer me my labouraid drink and specific essential oils at the precise moment I wanted them;-) (she was also helping with the pool debacle…)

Wise words from my friend and spiritual teacher Yantra came to me: ‘it’s not a choice between irritation or peace. Let the irritation be the doorway to peace’.

Letting the irritation be, I doubled down on my breathing and upped the setting on my TENS, which all seemed to help enormously.

Although I didn’t realise it at the time, I must have been getting close to transition because soon after that Janine gently suggested I get in the birthing pool.

‘Already?’ I thought to myself- remembering our birthing plan was that I’d ‘save up’ getting into the pool until the end and the birth was close.

I felt a combination of surprise we were at pool time, relief everything was still feeling ‘bearable’ and denial my baby would be coming soon. I had no idea was time it was – I learned later it was just after 2am.

I reluctantly removed the TENS machine –my new best friend- and slipped into the bath.

The warm water felt so soothing and warm.

From there it felt like a switch was flicked and things intensified very quickly.

I felt an uncontrollable pushing sensation and the waves started coming on thick and fast.

My breath become shorter and I started vocalising involuntarily.

I longed for the ‘rest and be grateful’ phase I’d read can happen between transition and second phase…

The pushing feeling intensified and felt overwhelming to the point where I cried out ‘help!!’.

While I clung to Viv for dear life, Janine reassured me I’d be meeting my baby soon and Kath suggested sending my breath down to the baby.

Despite the intensity I felt safe, present and connected to my baby.

I asked how she/he would like to be born and sensed it was the position I was in–on my knees, arms around Viv and legs apart.

An extra strong pushing surge rippled through my body- and with a few more breathes the head emerged, soon followed by the body ejecting. It was 2.54am.

I was sure I’d been torn from head to toe (I didn’t tear at all!) but I didn’t care.

I’d birthed my baby!

In a split second Janine whooshed baby and cord out from between my legs and I was holding my baby in my arms.

Words can never do justice to the feeling of holding your baby for the first time but I’ll try; it was a mixture of extreme joy, pride, relief, thankfulness and pure ecstasy all at once.

I held her up and Maya proudly announced she was a girl. A little sister!

After cuddle time in the bath I was helped to the couch where she latched on to my nipple like a seasoned pro and soon after I birthed the placenta.

The soft, jelly feeling of the placenta coming out felt so relieving and soothing.

Maya immediately jumped into her big sister role and was keen to decide on a name- our favourite two girl names were Aurora and Tara.

Kath mentioned some friends of hers had recently named their little girl Aurora and she was being called Rory for short.

We’re not really nickname people so that helped us decide.

Welcome to the world Tara!

We all celebrated with homemade fruit slice and bliss balls.

Soon afterwards the birth team tucked us up in bed and we were ready for our moon cycle birth bubble and gentle start as a family of four.

Karenna's Bio

Brave! Crazy! Highly irresponsible! Controversial!

These were the themes of the many responses posted when I published my son’s birth story  15 years ago on a UK mums forum.

So, what was so inflammatory about his birth, my first child, what compelled me to share it, and why would anybody birth their baby in this way?

It was a warm, sunny August morning, even in the far north of England. I had been planning my birth for months- if not years- discovering what positive birth was, refusing anything that let my mind wonder into the “what if’s” and believing in the birth wisdom that had been passed down by the women in my own family.

But now, my baby was 10 long days “late”, even later by my calculations, and I was hot, itchy and fed up.

I woke up to a strange feeling, I couldn’t quite explain. There was excitement, mixed with adrenaline and some “braxton hicks” type contractions going on. I ran myself a bath, added a couple of drops of clary sage and breathed in the strong, energy boosting scent. Just as I did so, a pain seared through my uterus, like being stabbed with a huge knife! I felt the adrenaline rush and my heart start pumping hard as the beginnings of panic set in. No, Rachel! I settled myself. If that was labour I’d have to relax to handle it, and anyway nothing else was happening, perhaps it was a muscle spasm or trapped wind…

So with that I put on my hypnobirthing relaxations there in the bathroom, and breathed. After a while I got out of the bath. I felt emotional, and irritable. I went for a walk around our tiny flat. Anger, frustration and irritation flooded my brain as I stomped around. I still don’t know why! I was feeling contractions that I was all too used to after the trillions of braxton hicks my body had prepared me with. I stamped, marched, sat on the toilet and wondered when ”proper labour” would start. All the movement made me hot, and suddenly I had the urge to fill up the sink with cold water and dip my face in it.

By now it was about 8.30 am. It took a moment to recognise the wet face and wild hair in the mirror above the sink were mine. I sat on the toilet again and heard a growl emerge from somewhere deep within my soul. What was my body doing now? I wasn’t in agony, I didn’t need help, so a quick checklist of my rational brain confirmed that this must be very early stages, if anything. 

At some point during the past 2 hours, my then husband had phoned the labour ward to say that he thought labour might be starting. The home birth kit (a huge suitcase full of terrifying objects from the hospital) was already in place in the hallway, and daddy had laid out a couple of plastic shower curtains to protect the cream carpet in the rented flat from any birth related mess. We were ready… baby was just coming gently, taking his time. More growls and then a sudden urge to get off the toilet…

Seconds later, I remember squatting down and watching in amazement as my son’s head was born, turning to face my left thigh, almost frozen in time, waiting for the next surge. His hair was red. I remember laughing! There was no pain. Instinctively I dropped to the ground on my hands and knees. Labour ward was on the phone, but we still had a phone with one of those curly wires, and as daddy dropped it, the receiver bounced into the other room. “The cord” I heard myself say, “loop it off his neck”. Now from my hands and knees position I had no idea my son’s cord was around his neck, but something enabled me to know and as his dad looped the cord loosely over his neck, our son was born straight into his hands. 

I turned around to see my baby, startle like a star fish, on the blue towel we had ready to receive him on. He did a huge sneeze, and then his first poo! “Give me the baby” I said and held out my arms to reach for my meconium stained, red haired, loudly wailing, beautiful, perfect son. And there we sat, on the bathroom floor, staring in total amazement at this brand new human.

Though I had made up my mind to free birth my baby (that is to birth without any medical assistance or practitioner present which is a fully legal option in the UK) I just could not, in my wildest dreams, have imagined how peaceful, healing, and yet intensely powerful the experience could be. Until…

  A midwife was banging on the door and bustled into the flat bringing with her disbelief and anger at what she saw.  “How did this happen?” she demanded to know “oh, and congratulations”. She asked a load of questions, cut the cord (it was thin and white) swaddled the baby, and passed him to daddy.  Then she pushed me to the floor and yanked on the cord in attempt to pull out his placenta.  Luckily it came away easily, then I was whisked into the bath, baby was kept in the other room where another midwife had come, and I was scrubbed fiercely by the first midwife.  Every second without my baby seemed like an eternity even though he was only in the next room. Strangers rummaged through my drawers and dressed him in the most mismatched outfit they could find, completely disregarding the little yellow suit with Simba on it, laid out and ready for the baby. The midwife was rough and rude, making derogatory comments when I refused her offer of stitches… the birth might have been straight forward but a world of pain was engulfing me by that point. All I wanted was to be snuggled in my bed with my baby, and something to eat would have been amazing too!

Once the fuss was over, and I lay cuddled with my son I took a moment to reflect on what had happened. I couldn’t believe how fast everything had happened and how even though I had believed birth could be this way… I also couldn’t believe it.

My longing for a simple, physiological birth had come about primarily from an intense fear of what I perceived labour and childbirth to be. That fear had led me on a quest for truth, to find out how women had ever survived such a terrible ordeal, whether all births more than 100 years ago really did result in mothers dying from the pain- as everyone seemed to say!

 I secretly wondered: would triggers from my own past allow me to go through such an intimate event in front of strangers without warranting a panic attack the scale of which would have never been seen on a labour ward before and would have ended in my being sedated by general anaesthesia! Or by me, escaping the hospital setting, all gowned up, being chased by registrars wielding needles full of sedatives behind me!! The way the midwife behaved towards me after the birth further convinced me that could have actually been the case, had I gone into hospital!

Now, I’m not naive, and I had carefully kept my birth plans from anyone who knew me, so as not to be discouraged, or pressured into doing something that I didn’t feel comfortable with.  Even after the birth, I was unable to share my experience with other mums for fear of causing upset.  I expected an uproar when I decided to share my story on a mainstream forum a few months later, and I was not wrong.

 Parents were outraged, and were suggesting that I was irresponsible with my baby’s life! A few used words like “brave” to describe what I had done and yet, I didn’t feel I had been brave at all. In fact in my mind, the idea of entering a hospital to have my child delivered by masked strangers would have required a type of bravery I imagine soldiers have to muster when being tortured in enemy prisons. If, at any point during my labour I had feared for my baby’s life or mine, I would have had to dig deep to find courage like that, and would, of course have handed over our care.

I chose to share my story because I believed there were women out there who felt like me. Women who were told that in hospital we would have no choice but to undergo examinations and monitoring that complied with the policy of the area.  That our cervixes would be measured and our bodies expected to birth within a time frame that correlated to that measurement.  That we’d be monitored on our backs, and if that caused us pain, we’d be quietened with medicines that took away our dignity and our ability to make decisions.

I chose to share my story because I believed there were women out there who needed to hear that they too, could birth their babies gently, in peace, fully conscious in whatever position they needed.

Controversial though my story may be, I believe it is still as true and relevant today as it was in those days. Women have a right to know what our bodies are truly capable of.

The Passion and Possibilities in Birth Interivew Series showcases the who's how's and why's of creating a community of support around you as you prepare and create your best birth experience.  Intended to inspire you and open you to new and old ideas there are 11 different birth profesisonals sharing their passion and wisdom. We kick off here with experienced independent midwife Janie Al Alawi.

Watch the video or listen to the  audio only version below the video.  If you are limited for time use the notes underneath to skip to what most interests.

Notes: 

Janie Al Alawi discovered her passion for midwifery during a 4 week placement to the Jessop Hospital for Women during her nursing training that she completed in 1985. It was here she returned to become a 'Jessop girl' with 18 month training to become a midwife.  She experienced labour ward and community midwifery before moving to Abu Dhabi in 1990 to the Corniche Hospital. 12 years, 4 different jobs including the busy delivery suite where 100,000 babies were born annually, Janie returned to the Uk to work as a community midwife. where she remained untili 2014.  2014 saw her creating acorn birth services as an independent midwife.

4.10 Janie describes why she loves midwifery so much -"Being a midwife for Janie is not a job it is something in you".

6.40 The difference between working for the NHS and working indpendently.

9.32  All about choice and the mantra " guidelines not tramlines" when arranging  your birth plan with your care providers. 

10.30 Why you are the expert in your own birth.  The importance of communication especially listening to the woman, the mother. REmember 'The customer is always right' is the mindset to cultivate.

20.15  As a population we are healthier than ever so why are we having so many more problems? Discussing the need to trust women and their bodies, with a special mention of big babies as an example of how planting fears that weren't there can affect you.

23.30  What Janie would like to see women doing to prepare for the birth of their child- including slowing down in the third trimester particularly.  How she sees 'wired babies' when the mother hasn't slowed down, babies reflecting their mothers state of being.

26.40 Janie shares some tales from her travels to other cultures including the Emiratesand Angola  where she witnessed the elder traditional midwives working alongside her in the hospital and mothers being looked after round the clockin the postnatal period.  

31.44 Discussing easy to implement tips and techniques to support baby into the best position inlabour including using the stairs and the racing start.

33.30   A saddening tale of how quickly traditional skills and home birth/active birth preference were lost in the Emirates as an overmedicalised model took over in this nation which today sees 50% c sectoins. On her first visit she used 1 epidural in 12 years and very low c-section rates so the change is astonishing and quick. Janies mission and passion (one of many!) is to bring back home birth to th Emirates.

40.27 How you speak to a woman in pregnancy and birth will stay with her for life- so be mindful.  And a reminder that YOU are superwoman! As Janie describes how she is still excited at every birth after 31 years as a midwife.

43 The heartbreak Janie feels when women are only given one option when there is almost always more choice than that. ( Check out this blog for more skills on how to get offered the choices available )

44  Mary Cronk Exclusive! Midwives on a mission of mercy.  Janie shares a story from a trailblazing midwife who has done much to support women's choices in childbirth and to preserve skills such as birthing a breech baby.
You can read about her legacy  here .

Final thought: Women are amazing, brilliant, and we are  doing what are bodies are designed to do.

Find Janie at Acorn Birth Services.
Find a local independent midwife in the Uk here.

The Whos, Hows and Whys of creating a community of support around you as you create your best birth experience.

Back when I was first pregnant I was a fairly typical first time mother to be; anxious and excited in equal meassures yet simultaneiously overwhelmed with all the changes to my body and new information to absorb.  I did pretty well, discovering hypnobirthing, and pregnancy yoga and utilising my skills as a therpaist to release fears and old cellular memories.

Still with the wisdom of hindsight I thought it could have been so much easier if I had known more what to even look for and include as self care and birth prepraration.  Time is precious and I wasted plenty of it on fruitless, frustrating searches in googleland.

In a bid to help you avoid wasting those hours,  I have gathered together 11 different birth professionals to chat and share their wisdom.  It is my hope that you will feel inspired and confident to ask for what you need to create your best birth experience. I hope that listening to these passionate voices you will find your own voice and joy as you become a mother.   

.

Full Interview List:

​Week 1:  ​Janie Al Alawi, Independent Midwife from Acorn Birth Services

Week 2:   Lorna Phillip, Doula from Birmingham Doula

Week 3:  Awen Clement. Sacred Celebrant

Week 4:  Mandy Rees, Yoga Teacher from Blossom Yoga and Wellbeing

​Week 5: Arty Thukral, Reflexologist,  Matrix Reimprinting and Bach Flower Remedies.

​​Week 6: Heidi Danaher: Hypnobirthing Instructor and Pregnancy Yoga Teacher. 

​Week 7:Gulara Vincent, Writer and Healer specialising in childhood and sexual trauma  

​Week 8: Janet Eastwood, from Birmingham Community Acupuncture

​Week 9: Worcestershire Doulas talking about  The Positive Birth Movement.

​Week 10: Linda Lillwall, From Bumps 2 babies -midwife, and massage therapis.

​Week 11:( Coming Soon)​

My youngest boy with his wit, his clear direct communication, and outrageous laughter, surprises me every day.  Perhaps this should be no surprise to me, given his birth story which was full of surprise.  Here is the story in full for you to enjoy.

For this, my third pregnancy and third home birth, I determined to really take care of me, honouring myself in the most thorough and joyful ways possible.  I hired an independent midwife, booked massage, a mother blessing ceremony and carried on with my usual practice of clearing out fears and conditioning if and as they arose

I had the happiest, most relaxed pregnancy of all three. Antenatal appointments were a joy. All my wishes were heard and supported, my questions answered fully.   It was all such fun, relaxing in the warm summer sunshine, connecting with my baby and imagining the calm cosy corner of my bedroom, lit only by candles, labour starting in the night whilst others were asleep, my husband joining me first in an atmosphere or quiet sacredness to be joined by my awestruck children and midwife.

HA. I imagine his cheeky grin in the womb as he considered my ideas then went about things his own way. He was on board with the general energy of my vision but not so much the finer (imagined) details.

Surprise number one was the timing.  I woke in the early hours of the night with contractions. Knowing I wasn’t in full labour I slept on between the sporadic but insistent tightenings.

However, in the morning a question formed as I shuffled my way through breakfast and getting my two older children ready for school. Will this be a super long labour then because it’s a long time until dark comes back…? As my kids disappeared off to school with my husband I knew different but wasn’t ready to admit it just then.

I felt excited and curious.  I think my son was trying to tell me ‘wake up mum, I’m coming now, in the day and sunshine.’  My head was trying to fit this into the dark night time, cosy corner image and largely failing. My minds habit of trying to work things out, to pin everything down was thwarted by the growing energy of labour.  I was fading from this rational ordered world and entering the fluid organic energy of birth where the ordinary timing no longer made sense..

 Kids safely in school courtesy of my husband I decided lying down resting in bed as he stroked my back would be a good idea. Surprise number two. Enjoyable though it was, it did not work as I thought it would and had in the past, Although  good advice from my thinking self it was not what my inner midwife was prescribing for me at that moment.  Which was to  fulfil my restlessness and head for the toilet…

I threw back the covers and strode, slightly agitated.  to the toilet.   I had hoped to reexperience the comfort and total pain relief I had from his touch during the birth of my first child… I should know better of course than to try and recreate the past rather than live in the moment.

The toilet was just the job. The toilet was fun. I could hear my mind thinking this is kind of crazy but it felt right. Labouring in our small bathroom I could hold onto the sink with one hand and the bath with the other and focus all my attention on relaxing my body through the now powerful contractions with gentle sighs. Using the sink and bath as counter pressure and letting the instinctive loosening and letting go of being on the toilet happen, really worked for me. Still my mind kept popping in with the suggestion that lying down for a bit would take less effort and be even more restful.

Cue what felt like hours, but was probably like fifteen minutes or even less, (time was totally kooky by now.) of me trying to leave the bathroom. I would get half way down the approximately 5 metre corridor to our bedroom only to go, ‘oh here comes another one’ and to turn round and sit back on the toilet where I felt most comfortable and drawn despite myself. It was as if my feet and body had a mind and consciousness of their own.

Frustrating until I got the message and gave up and succumbed to the toilet position.  During one of these contractions I found myself gazing at the bath. Yes, I though,t lets try that. A part of me really did want to lie down just not in the bed.  I ran the bath and got in and yes this was good.  Warm, cosy, and safe.  I felt light and free, peaceful here.

My husband at this point called my midwife, for him he said even if I didn’t want her yet.  Though I think he knew it was time even if I wasn’t admitting it still.  I was too busy enjoying the water and noticing with interest that I could feel every muscle as it moved inside my body. I breathed and floated and felt my side muscles pulling my cervix up and away. The contractions were strong, powerful and purposeful. (just like my son is now) I was home and relaxed and still slightly in denial that it was day time.

My midwife came, smiling at me she listened silently to my contractions. I felt a change. I felt the end of the contraction change. It went from an outward, expanding pull up of the muscles to a slight bearing down and tucking of my tummy on the very last second of my outbreath.

Now I am a birthworker and my midwife is highly experienced. We both knew where I was up to and what was shortly going to happen. I could feel it beyond the words or rational ideas.  My boundaries with normal reality were fluid. I could sense the timeline of where I was and had come through and what was to come in my labour. If I had been asked and capable of answering I could have told you how dilated I was and where I was up to as if I could see with x-ray eyes. My lovely midwife just smiled and listened.  Then said ‘Would you like me to go to Tesco and come back in a bit?’’  We sat in silence for a few moments me gazing at her.  My slightly vacant smile almost became a giggle. My mind was thinking something like – ‘She knows… She knows if she does that she will miss it. I am sure she knows? why is she saying that? –(She told me later she it was a kind of test to see my response- we know each other well after all our antenatal appointments so strange question though it may sound she knew just what to do and say that was prefect for me to know what I wanted.)

My verbal answer as far as I can remember was to say I want to get out of the bath now. I need the toilet.

I needed it because I was ready to push.

I now realised I was pretty much going to do it all on the toilet, a place I had hardly visited with the other two except for its actual intended use.   I sat on the toilet and roared my way through my contractions, surprised by the location I found myself comfortable in, surprised by the volume and pitch of my voice and surprised by the sheer power running through my body. My body responded to this energy. It shuddered, and shook. I hardly knew who or where I was, all that was real was this raw, untamed energy rising and falling within me, coming and going from deep inside, or from some place else. A place known and not known, strange and new yet familiar.  A place of pure wordless experience.  I knew not if I was it or it was me. I opened up and allowed it in, and through and on.   I felt the energy bearing down, pushing my baby down. It thundered. Then it would disappear for a short eternity.  To return with even greater intensity. Excitement was growing. I couldn’t have controlled this even if I wanted to but in trust of my body and the process I surrendered totally focused only on relaxing, particularly as I felt so much strong pressure in my bottom, more than ever before.  I was astonished by myself in a kind of excited way. Emotions rolled through me. I cried weeping and whimpering like a small child. I allowed myself to do this even as my mind wondered at this oddness.  I wanted to laugh too. To throw back my head and howl.  And I know I roared at the height of each contraction.

Once my husband tried to touch me to massage me or comfort me and I pushed him away. My midwife understood my needs and gently patted the floor beside her. ‘Come and sit with me.’ She smiled calmly and reassuringly. They sat at arm’s length from me just outside the bathroom smiling their love and encouragement towards me. I loved that they were there, just enjoying with me. My midwife I could tell was happy and in her element.

My midwife gently wondered if it might be time to get off the toilet. I agreed and knelt in front of it instead. Resting my forearms on a stool I was able to drop my head and relax in a new position. The pressure on my bottom was incredible. The contractions were the strongest I had ever felt. My baby felt powerful, a larger than life purposeful presence, yet kind and sweet too. 

I felt more emotions coming through. Anger was one. My mind was a little bit in judgment of this as not the correct emotion to be feeling at such a wonderful time. Rather than argue with my mind and try and explain that this judgment is just a story that doesn’t make the anger go away , or try to work out what it meant, I took the anger through a quick NPA process.    The anger passed. Impatience came. In an intense moment I  shouted out ‘ I want this baby out now’ whilst simultaneously instructing my body to remain relaxed, to have patience.  I didn’t add any conscious pushing on top of the work my body was aready doing, though I was tempted at times. My impatience was tempered by my desire to allow him to come in his own time, with the flow of energy.  

 A quick peek and a knowing grin exchanged with my midwife- A boy!

My 4^th or is it 5h or even 6^th surprise was a messy one that I was ill prepared for. My other two showed no signs of meconium for a full 24 hours after birth, whereas he came out pooing and popped out more poo every time there was a quiet or clean moment for a few hours to come!

I wanted to move to my bed to rest. We must have been a merry little procession, me the tiger mother holding tightly to her new baby, my husband supporting me, my midwife holding the bowl in case the placenta made an appearance as we trotted down our narrow little corridor to the bed.

This time the bed was bliss. Warm, cosy and filled with morning light. I love my bedroom. When the sun shines it reflects off a throw with sequins on and makes glitter sparkles all over the ceiling and walls. I felt so happy as I laid back and let everyone look after me. My midwife cleaned up the bathroom –I rested and gazed at his puffy newborn eyes, his soft movements of hands and legs grasping at me, as he made cute suckling noises. He fed and slept as we all continued to enjoy his presence.

After an hour or two I felt I might stand up to see if the placenta wanted to come.

In another surprise the placenta wanted me back on the toilet- maybe it didn’t want to be left out of the bathroom party.  So off our merry little procession went in reverse. Husband supporting the mother carrying the child. Midwife bringing up the rear with the bowl, supporting us all.

I sat on the toilet and they left me and baby alone for a while. I didn’t actually need the toilet. Instead out of nowhere came an enormous roar and another shuddering, shaking contraction of the same intensity I had experienced giving birth.  I didn’t expect that.   I could not have controlled or suppressed this if I had wanted to. Whoosh out came my placenta, almost an anti-climax after the energy of the contraction.  It slithered, easily out, landed on the toilet rim, even though I had anticipated its arrival and stood up, teetered for a moment and yes you guessed it- plop into the (luckily clean) toilet!

My final surprise of the day was his size. Matching his personality, he was a larger than life or than expected 9 lb 6.  I should say larger than I expected as my midwife confided in me that she had on her final antenatal appointment a few days earlier predicted 9lb7 which he may well have been if we had been able to weigh him with the meconium inside…

There ends the main story but not the joy. Revelling in my newest baby boy and all his surprises, my heart full, my body spent yet still buzzing with energy I drank in the love of my family and my home.  These first few hours meeting a newborn baby are something quite sacred and special and lying in my luxurious bed in the quiet peace, my son draped contentedly over my belly and chest I felt more alive, loved and at home than ever.

See my Birth Confidence page for  in formation on my practice for clearing fears.

My independent midwife, Janie Al Alawi, can be found here along with nformation about her services.

For information about The NPA Process and a free Process sheet click here. Its a superb way to stay in flow and let things pass through.

For information on my independent celebrant, Awen Clement for a mother blessing, click here