Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

"I didn’t know I could say no," she exclaimed, turning her surprised face towards me.  I can see the cogs literally  whirring as she applies this  new knowledge to her situation, as the possibility for a different way forward opens up.

I smile encouragingly, my own cogs working overtime as my mind is flooded with all that I desperately want her to know to ensure her birth goes as she dreams of… Where to even start?

I want her to know that her right to say no is enshrined in human rights law.

I want her to know that these human rights apply equally to her in pregnancy and birth just as they do at any other time.

I want her to know that these include the right to decline any treatment for any reason or even no reason at all.

I want her to know not to go in blindly trusting an overstretched system that is not women centred at its core, but to go in eyes wide open and ask for what she needs, expecting it to be given.

I want her to be aware of the limitations of this system with its overworked and understaffed workforce in supporting her so she is empowered to ask for more for herself.

I want her to know doctor doesn’t know best, she does.

I want her to know she has choices, more choices than she has been given so far.

I want her to know she is not just a passive passenger in this birth, an object of interest for obstetrician to tick off in their file but is the active agent.

I want her to know to ask for more information, with facts and evidence, to be able to make her choice and to expect this to be given with respect and dignity.

I want her to know she can request a new midwife, a different consultant, change hospital – whatever it takes until she is heard and respected.

I want her to know she deserves to raise the bar on her expectations for this birth and her treatment way, way higher.

I want her to know there is another world possible for her. A world where her birth isn’t all about managing risks, counting stages, measuring and charts.

I want her to know this world has her at the centre of her birth experience and that it is her opinions, desires and wishes that matter here.

 I want her to know this is an everyday magical world where she, her baby and body will dance the birth dance in an organic flow of pulsing energy- maybe it is intense, maybe difficult at times but it is her dance no one elses.

I want her to know there is another version of her waiting on the other side.  A strong, proud and confident woman and mother born with her baby.

I want her to know she is holding out her hand to invite her across the threshold and hold her hand throughout.

I want her to know to trust herself as the only real expert in her own birth, the only one who can really decide what’s best in each moment.

I want her to know and value her instincts that were telling her to say no and to have the courage to stand her ground.

I want her to know that when she really shows up and claims this space for herself in this way then she will see those supporting her change to reflect her newfound strength and conviction.

I want her to know there are people here who care and have her back.

I want so much for her.

I can feel the fire rising in me, burning through my silence and hesitation. I want this fire to touch her, to warm her heart so she knows she is loved and supported.   I want this fire to light the fire in her own belly so she finds her courage to speak her deep desires.  I want this fire to fan the flames of her own passion so she rises up to claim her desires. I want this fire to ignite her own passion for herself and her birth so she can make it happen her way.  I want this fire to blaze a trail for us all to follow as we collectively  transform the face of birth and the path to motherhood.

The fire is pulsing in my heart and flames flicker through my words as I repeat with as much emphasis and love as I can muster ..

“You absolutely have the right to say no. “

That day we did chat a little more and I  know she has since given birth as she wished to a wonderful baby boy.  This post today is dedicated to her and to all the women who didn’t or don’t know they can say no.  For all the women who are hearing their soul whisper to them that they deserve more and better. 

I hear your whispers too. I see you.

I love you.

Resource List:

Along with the passion and fire it’s good to get practical.  Below is the grounded practical resource list you can draw on when you need to make a stand for what you believe in for your birth.

1 Knowing where you stand.

“Human rights require public bodies to treat you with dignity and respect, consult you about decisions and respect your choices.”

(From Birthrights fact sheet - Human Rights in Maternity Care

You don’t stop being a human being just because you are pregnant. You and your unborn child are not the property of the NHS. All your basic human rights apply in pregnancy and childbirth too.  Along with dignity and respect you should be able to exercise your right to informed consent. Meaning that you cannot be made to do anything you don’t want to do and that you should be provided with all the information you need to make your own choice.

The human rights in childbirth charity -  Birthrights  -founded by Rebecca Schiller produce a number of excellent fact sheets. These include Human rights in maternity care, consenting to treatment, choice of place of birth, right to a c section, accessing your records and making a complaint.

(Currently the legal information is for the UK- Please check for your own country. Please message me if you have links to equivalent factsheets for other countries and I will add them.)

I recommend the Aims booklet ‘ Am I allowed' By Beverley a Lawrence Beech,  which gives in detail all the information you need to make an informed decision. Aims stands for Association for improvement of maternity services and this and other booklets that go into great depth on specific subjects can be bought direct from the Aims website.

2 Getting the information you need.

Now you know you have the right to dignity, respect and informed consent you might be forgiven for thinking this will all just be handed to you effortlessly at every step of your pregnancy and birth. Sadly this is not the case or I would not be writing this post.  

Given the shortcomings in the existing system you may need to ask and ask again to get all the information you need.  The Acronym BRAINS is one of the best and most widely known ways to make sure you cover every angle. Here it is in detail:

Benefits: What are the benefits of  X (the procedure that has just been offered to you) You may ask- How will this help me? What problem will it solve? You can also ask what undergoing this treatment option means for you – how is it carried out, how long will it take what else is involved?

Risks: What are the risks of procedure, protocol etc? You can also ask about potential side effects and knock on effects for the birth. In some cases you may wish to ask what effect a procedure has on future pregnancies and births

Also a missing piece here is to check in with absolute versus relative risks. In other words there is a big difference between a risk that doubles if the original risk is 25% or 0.1% Finding this out can really put risk into perspective. A consultant is used to seeing difficult births and is likely to stress the risks of not doing a procedure they recommend. By asking more questions you can get the information you need and a fuller picture to choose what is best for you.

Alternatives: What else is possible? What other options do I have? Remember to go through brain again with each alternative.  This part can really open you up to the choice that is so often present and that you may have been unaware of.

Intuition: Intuition or gut instinct is an undervalued but powerful tool For me, whilst listening to medical advice and getting information is important, intuition trumps everything when it comes to the final decision.  We are conditioned to rely on information we can measure, and monitor. Birth is not linear and predictable in this way and you are not a statistic. Different people respond differently to different procedures and only you know what is right for you. Tune in to your body and listen to your inner guidance. After receiving all the information, take the time to discover what your intution, your  baby and body need you to know You may like to ask for time for this and to make a decision ( see my next point below)

Nothing: What would happen if I do nothing? What would happen if we wait and how long may we wait for? Again you can cycle through the first part of the acronym and apply it to the strategy of waiting-  What are the benefits ? risks? Etc

Smile:  It can be very stressful trying to make decisions in a pregnancy that has taken an unexpected turn. We may be tense and worried about what may happen and concerned about making the right decision. Try consciously shaking out your body and stretching. Sit tall and smile- even if you don’t feel like it at first. The physical movement in your face fires off neurons and chemicals flow- a message of positivity is being sent through your body.  This will be ok. I am ok. I can do this. 

3- Taking off the pressure

On the spot under the gaze of your consultant or midwife  you may feel pressured to make an instant decision.  There is usually more time than you think even if you are in labour. It is important to ask and check so you can create some space and time for you to make the right choice from the  right feeling place for you.

Try :

Thank you for all your information I /We would like to go away and think about it to make our decision.  

How much time do I have to make my choice? Can I have ten minutes, half an hour?

Even if the decision is a no brainer, but it may not be the route you had hoped it can still be worth asking for a few minutes so you can come to terms with the change of plan emotionally and energetically.  So that when you choose your next step you do so with calm strength dignity, and love.  

 Give yourself as much space and time as you can for each decision to feel good.

Remember- You are the mother, the one at the centre of this amazing birth experience and you deserve for your wishes to be heard and respected.

Much love to you on your journey.

My youngest boy with his wit, his clear direct communication, and outrageous laughter, surprises me every day.  Perhaps this should be no surprise to me, given his birth story which was full of surprise.  Here is the story in full for you to enjoy.

For this, my third pregnancy and third home birth, I determined to really take care of me, honouring myself in the most thorough and joyful ways possible.  I hired an independent midwife, booked massage, a mother blessing ceremony and carried on with my usual practice of clearing out fears and conditioning if and as they arose

I had the happiest, most relaxed pregnancy of all three. Antenatal appointments were a joy. All my wishes were heard and supported, my questions answered fully.   It was all such fun, relaxing in the warm summer sunshine, connecting with my baby and imagining the calm cosy corner of my bedroom, lit only by candles, labour starting in the night whilst others were asleep, my husband joining me first in an atmosphere or quiet sacredness to be joined by my awestruck children and midwife.

HA. I imagine his cheeky grin in the womb as he considered my ideas then went about things his own way. He was on board with the general energy of my vision but not so much the finer (imagined) details.

Surprise number one was the timing.  I woke in the early hours of the night with contractions. Knowing I wasn’t in full labour I slept on between the sporadic but insistent tightenings.

However, in the morning a question formed as I shuffled my way through breakfast and getting my two older children ready for school. Will this be a super long labour then because it’s a long time until dark comes back…? As my kids disappeared off to school with my husband I knew different but wasn’t ready to admit it just then.

I felt excited and curious.  I think my son was trying to tell me ‘wake up mum, I’m coming now, in the day and sunshine.’  My head was trying to fit this into the dark night time, cosy corner image and largely failing. My minds habit of trying to work things out, to pin everything down was thwarted by the growing energy of labour.  I was fading from this rational ordered world and entering the fluid organic energy of birth where the ordinary timing no longer made sense..

 Kids safely in school courtesy of my husband I decided lying down resting in bed as he stroked my back would be a good idea. Surprise number two. Enjoyable though it was, it did not work as I thought it would and had in the past, Although  good advice from my thinking self it was not what my inner midwife was prescribing for me at that moment.  Which was to  fulfil my restlessness and head for the toilet…

I threw back the covers and strode, slightly agitated.  to the toilet.   I had hoped to reexperience the comfort and total pain relief I had from his touch during the birth of my first child… I should know better of course than to try and recreate the past rather than live in the moment.

The toilet was just the job. The toilet was fun. I could hear my mind thinking this is kind of crazy but it felt right. Labouring in our small bathroom I could hold onto the sink with one hand and the bath with the other and focus all my attention on relaxing my body through the now powerful contractions with gentle sighs. Using the sink and bath as counter pressure and letting the instinctive loosening and letting go of being on the toilet happen, really worked for me. Still my mind kept popping in with the suggestion that lying down for a bit would take less effort and be even more restful.

Cue what felt like hours, but was probably like fifteen minutes or even less, (time was totally kooky by now.) of me trying to leave the bathroom. I would get half way down the approximately 5 metre corridor to our bedroom only to go, ‘oh here comes another one’ and to turn round and sit back on the toilet where I felt most comfortable and drawn despite myself. It was as if my feet and body had a mind and consciousness of their own.

Frustrating until I got the message and gave up and succumbed to the toilet position.  During one of these contractions I found myself gazing at the bath. Yes, I though,t lets try that. A part of me really did want to lie down just not in the bed.  I ran the bath and got in and yes this was good.  Warm, cosy, and safe.  I felt light and free, peaceful here.

My husband at this point called my midwife, for him he said even if I didn’t want her yet.  Though I think he knew it was time even if I wasn’t admitting it still.  I was too busy enjoying the water and noticing with interest that I could feel every muscle as it moved inside my body. I breathed and floated and felt my side muscles pulling my cervix up and away. The contractions were strong, powerful and purposeful. (just like my son is now) I was home and relaxed and still slightly in denial that it was day time.

My midwife came, smiling at me she listened silently to my contractions. I felt a change. I felt the end of the contraction change. It went from an outward, expanding pull up of the muscles to a slight bearing down and tucking of my tummy on the very last second of my outbreath.

Now I am a birthworker and my midwife is highly experienced. We both knew where I was up to and what was shortly going to happen. I could feel it beyond the words or rational ideas.  My boundaries with normal reality were fluid. I could sense the timeline of where I was and had come through and what was to come in my labour. If I had been asked and capable of answering I could have told you how dilated I was and where I was up to as if I could see with x-ray eyes. My lovely midwife just smiled and listened.  Then said ‘Would you like me to go to Tesco and come back in a bit?’’  We sat in silence for a few moments me gazing at her.  My slightly vacant smile almost became a giggle. My mind was thinking something like – ‘She knows… She knows if she does that she will miss it. I am sure she knows? why is she saying that? –(She told me later she it was a kind of test to see my response- we know each other well after all our antenatal appointments so strange question though it may sound she knew just what to do and say that was prefect for me to know what I wanted.)

My verbal answer as far as I can remember was to say I want to get out of the bath now. I need the toilet.

I needed it because I was ready to push.

I now realised I was pretty much going to do it all on the toilet, a place I had hardly visited with the other two except for its actual intended use.   I sat on the toilet and roared my way through my contractions, surprised by the location I found myself comfortable in, surprised by the volume and pitch of my voice and surprised by the sheer power running through my body. My body responded to this energy. It shuddered, and shook. I hardly knew who or where I was, all that was real was this raw, untamed energy rising and falling within me, coming and going from deep inside, or from some place else. A place known and not known, strange and new yet familiar.  A place of pure wordless experience.  I knew not if I was it or it was me. I opened up and allowed it in, and through and on.   I felt the energy bearing down, pushing my baby down. It thundered. Then it would disappear for a short eternity.  To return with even greater intensity. Excitement was growing. I couldn’t have controlled this even if I wanted to but in trust of my body and the process I surrendered totally focused only on relaxing, particularly as I felt so much strong pressure in my bottom, more than ever before.  I was astonished by myself in a kind of excited way. Emotions rolled through me. I cried weeping and whimpering like a small child. I allowed myself to do this even as my mind wondered at this oddness.  I wanted to laugh too. To throw back my head and howl.  And I know I roared at the height of each contraction.

Once my husband tried to touch me to massage me or comfort me and I pushed him away. My midwife understood my needs and gently patted the floor beside her. ‘Come and sit with me.’ She smiled calmly and reassuringly. They sat at arm’s length from me just outside the bathroom smiling their love and encouragement towards me. I loved that they were there, just enjoying with me. My midwife I could tell was happy and in her element.

My midwife gently wondered if it might be time to get off the toilet. I agreed and knelt in front of it instead. Resting my forearms on a stool I was able to drop my head and relax in a new position. The pressure on my bottom was incredible. The contractions were the strongest I had ever felt. My baby felt powerful, a larger than life purposeful presence, yet kind and sweet too. 

I felt more emotions coming through. Anger was one. My mind was a little bit in judgment of this as not the correct emotion to be feeling at such a wonderful time. Rather than argue with my mind and try and explain that this judgment is just a story that doesn’t make the anger go away , or try to work out what it meant, I took the anger through a quick NPA process.    The anger passed. Impatience came. In an intense moment I  shouted out ‘ I want this baby out now’ whilst simultaneously instructing my body to remain relaxed, to have patience.  I didn’t add any conscious pushing on top of the work my body was aready doing, though I was tempted at times. My impatience was tempered by my desire to allow him to come in his own time, with the flow of energy.  

 A quick peek and a knowing grin exchanged with my midwife- A boy!

My 4^th or is it 5h or even 6^th surprise was a messy one that I was ill prepared for. My other two showed no signs of meconium for a full 24 hours after birth, whereas he came out pooing and popped out more poo every time there was a quiet or clean moment for a few hours to come!

I wanted to move to my bed to rest. We must have been a merry little procession, me the tiger mother holding tightly to her new baby, my husband supporting me, my midwife holding the bowl in case the placenta made an appearance as we trotted down our narrow little corridor to the bed.

This time the bed was bliss. Warm, cosy and filled with morning light. I love my bedroom. When the sun shines it reflects off a throw with sequins on and makes glitter sparkles all over the ceiling and walls. I felt so happy as I laid back and let everyone look after me. My midwife cleaned up the bathroom –I rested and gazed at his puffy newborn eyes, his soft movements of hands and legs grasping at me, as he made cute suckling noises. He fed and slept as we all continued to enjoy his presence.

After an hour or two I felt I might stand up to see if the placenta wanted to come.

In another surprise the placenta wanted me back on the toilet- maybe it didn’t want to be left out of the bathroom party.  So off our merry little procession went in reverse. Husband supporting the mother carrying the child. Midwife bringing up the rear with the bowl, supporting us all.

I sat on the toilet and they left me and baby alone for a while. I didn’t actually need the toilet. Instead out of nowhere came an enormous roar and another shuddering, shaking contraction of the same intensity I had experienced giving birth.  I didn’t expect that.   I could not have controlled or suppressed this if I had wanted to. Whoosh out came my placenta, almost an anti-climax after the energy of the contraction.  It slithered, easily out, landed on the toilet rim, even though I had anticipated its arrival and stood up, teetered for a moment and yes you guessed it- plop into the (luckily clean) toilet!

My final surprise of the day was his size. Matching his personality, he was a larger than life or than expected 9 lb 6.  I should say larger than I expected as my midwife confided in me that she had on her final antenatal appointment a few days earlier predicted 9lb7 which he may well have been if we had been able to weigh him with the meconium inside…

There ends the main story but not the joy. Revelling in my newest baby boy and all his surprises, my heart full, my body spent yet still buzzing with energy I drank in the love of my family and my home.  These first few hours meeting a newborn baby are something quite sacred and special and lying in my luxurious bed in the quiet peace, my son draped contentedly over my belly and chest I felt more alive, loved and at home than ever.

See my Birth Confidence page for  in formation on my practice for clearing fears.

My independent midwife, Janie Al Alawi, can be found here along with nformation about her services.

For information about The NPA Process and a free Process sheet click here. Its a superb way to stay in flow and let things pass through.

For information on my independent celebrant, Awen Clement for a mother blessing, click here

This post was originally published as part of the story behind the story series for writers by Gulara Vincent. 

The photo shows me in 2013 during a photo shoot for my new website with my brother and husband taking time out from their holiday to take the photos, and my son as assistant.

I had a great form teacher in sixth form at school. He was cool. He was full of energy and not afraid to do things differently.  He really cared and encouraged us to choose meaningful life paths. “If you don’t you will end up just drifting aimlessly,” he cautioned. 

His words struck a chord and I reflected on what I could contribute to the world. In vain. I had no clue or direction at all.  In the absence of a cohesive vision I followed the soft whispers of my heart wherever they led, always seeking, searching for meaning.

I wandered long and far, spending years travelling in an outwardly carefree manner. But despite the beautiful patterns my meandering river left in my landscape it felt increasingly empty and meaningless without some deeper purpose to guide the flow.  Direction and purpose were a long time coming to me. This dissatisfaction and unfulfilled longing for a deeper meaning eventually drew me into an exploration of my inner world, as varied and full of adventure as my outer wanderings had been. Inspired by the difference in myself I trained as a Journey practitioner and a massage therapist and became passionate helping others heal too.

“Am I going too fast for you?” He asked as in a fluster I answered “What for?” to his simple request for my number. “thing is I’ve only got till Birmingham.”  It was true. He left the National Express Coach at Birmingham with my number whilst I continued to Gatwick.  Life had decided I had done enough meandering and it was time for a faster flow downstream.

Things continued to happen fast which is a little ironic as my husband is from Africa and has taught me to move to a more slow and gentle rhythm than the frenetic rushing I used to do.  I became pregnant quickly.   I was just beginning to joyfully get my head around this new development when I miscarried.  As an accredited Journey Practitioner* I knew what to do with the emotional pain that this brought up and I surrendered to waves of deep pain, grief and loss. The physical pain took me by surprise though. My then boyfriend and I held each other through the turbulence of grief and we planted a rose bush in honour of our unborn child.

Our child in her brief visit had awakened my interest in birth.  Faced with a negative attitude from my doctor towards a local birth centre I remained quiet about the tentative hints from my womb about choosing a home birth instead.  Although I was no longer pregnant and we had decided to wait at least six months so I could finish a massage practitioner course I was on I began almost obsessively to research about pregnancy and birth.

Six months later I was pregnant again. This time I knew my child was staying and I threw myself into preparing for his arrival. Not with shopping for possessions but with a renewed inner exploration.  I dug into and changed negative beliefs and fears I had about birth. I cleared imprints from my own birth experience and released old cellular memories that were being held in my womb and in my body.   I addressed my fears of my desired birth experience being interfered with in some way by the medical profession and became quietly confident and joyfully excited about giving birth.  We birthed at home in the dark, in water. My heart exploded in love as we lifted him to my chest, his features glistening in the torchlight, his serene expression reflected in our eyes and hearts.

Even then I didn’t twig that this was the ultimate direction of my business which was still nameless. It seems so obvious now looking back at the clues.  So often I had spontaneously accessed memories of my time in the womb and my own birth, although I have no conscious memory of this time ordinarily.  I noticed that many of the women I worked with were able to do the same and heal aspects of their own entrance to the world.  It was many months before I had the actual lightbulb moment where I finally caught up with my soul’s desires and everything fell into place.

In these last eight years I feel incredibly privileged to have been a part of many women’s journeys to motherhood.  The feedback from those whose lives I have just the fuel I need to feed my passion and continue my work to transform the birthing experience of women and babies.

*For more information about The Journey by Brandon Bays follow the link

If you liked this post they you may like to read a little more about my birth stories here. Healing Birth Trauma: Reflections on the Meaning of My Diffferent Stories.