Breech baby messages: Turning my baby and my birth experience around

Photo by Alice Alinari on Unsplash

This post is a follow on to last week's post on reflections on the meaning of my birth stories. It details some of the deeper meaning for me behind my encounters with the breech position. I won't give any more away.  I invite you instead to read on to discover how my son and his playful positioning supported me on my path to healing and growth.

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Were you ready to be born? I was asked gently, kindly.

The answer came in a flood of tears.  'No!' I wailed.

My heart felt it would burst against my ribcage. The long suppressed pain now released was overwhelming in its intensity. I stayed with it. Waves of grief, loss, anger followed each other. I surrendered fully and lived the emotions as they poured through me. For a few long minutes the painful emotions were all I knew. They were all of my existence as I heard and experienced them fully. Then as they had come they subsided, spent at last.

I was 34 weeks pregnant and at my last antenatal appointment, a week earlier, my baby was lying breech. As I walked home I felt the red warning flags flying and alarm bells sounding.

What was I worried for?

Not as you may think because his choice of position was threatening my natural home birth plans. No! I knew that breech was a variation of normal, I had read Mary Cronk’s paper- Hands off the breech and devoured Ina May’s book Guide to childbirth several times over. I was determined to birth the way I wanted, it just felt so right.

I had time too. I mistakenly thought at the time that I had only 4 weeks for him to turn to a more favourable position.

I don’t quite know where I got the idea from but I was under the false impression that babies could no longer physically turn after 37 weeks due to their growing size. I have since heard all kinds of stories of babies turning just before and during labour. This was yet another myth that underestimates the capabilities of us women. Still I thought 4 weeks was a good amount of time in the grand scheme of things.

I did have a vague sense that I may have a job of persuasion to convince my midwife of that my choice was the right one. I think the way she rolled her eyes, bit her lip and pushed her unspoken words back down into her paperwork when I casually, unthinkingly mentioned that I would not automatically have a caesarean if I was breech that gave me some clue to her view of the subject…! But even this was not what was bothering me.

So why was I worried given that I knew it was ok for babies to be born topsy turvy, I had a month to turn, and wasn’t too daunted by the difference of opinion with my midwife?

‘He is lying breech and I was born breech… I was breech and now he is too…’

The phrases kept repeating themselves over and over in my mind. On the one hand part of my confidence that he could be born breech came from my own direct experience.

I totally knew it was possible to be born breech just fine because that was my experience.

I don’t remember my birth on the conscious every day level of reality but I knew that the memory of my lived experience was informing my confidence as it came to my turn to give birth. Which leads us neatly over to the other hand.

Had I inadvertently imprinted a bottom first approach and was now repeating history?

It was slightly confusing and contradictory. I knew it was possible but still wanted to try and change his position to a more usual head down position that I believed would be easier for him, me and my midwives.  I didn't really want a fight with the system but I didn't want to push or force my baby if he was happy. The only way to resolve such conundrums for me is to go within. I  needed to go within to find out and clear the imprinting. Free of the imprinting I would then be able to see clearly along the path of this birth. Then if he chose to be born breech I would know it was a free choice that was beneficial to him in some way.

Which brings us back to the question at the start of this post. I was half way through the kind of 1:1 session I take my BirthEssence clients through and this question was the breakthrough moment of that process.

My friend and colleague gently guided me through the process of discovering the cellular memories that were stored in my body and I spontaneously accessed the memory of my birth quite easily. It popped up in my awareness, strong and real. Some details were hazy but the general gist was crystal clear. I was not ready to be born when the doctors assisted my stuck head. I was resisting life with all my might but got pulled out anyway against my will.

These moments of heightened emotions at such a vulnerable time caused significant imprinting that affected how I related to the world. I saw all the times since that I didn’t feel ready for my life experiences. I saw how often I felt caught in a ‘tug of war’ over which direction to choose; How often I felt frustrated over outside circumstances that seemed to dictate what I should do that I had no control over; How often I felt pressured by others to do things a certain way or by a certain time.

I also saw the gifts in this birth experience. I had chosen a less common route to be born, one that was not so easy. I wanted to experience things my way, do things differently and explore how that felt. I was learning to be myself no matter what circumstances came my way. I was learning to stand tall and true to me no matter how unconventional that looked and no matter what obstacles I needed to overcome.

Did I have to experience disempowerment and separation during a birth I found deeply traumatic before I could feel empowered and connected?

I don’t know all the answers to that but I do know that I found peace that day with my choice and timing of birth circumstances. I healed the pain of not being ready or in control and in so doing two more gifts were revealed to me.

• Gift Number 1: In choosing a challenging birth for myself I would be motivated and determined to do things differently and follow my own path once more when it came time for me to give birth.  
• Gift Number 2: Choosing trauma was a step along the way to helping heal birth on a larger scale. I started by healing my own birth experience and followed on by creating different birth experiences in my own family. Now I am sharing what I have learned with you.

It is my hope that those reading this will be inspired to make peace with and heal the challenging aspects of their own birth.  I hope that even as you realise that a difficult birth experience does indeed shape you just as a peaceful experience does, that it does not have to scar you for life.  I hope to offer a pathway for you to appreciate all parts of your birth story and know that even the painful parts bring you gifts. Gifts that offer you comfort, peace and  ultimately deep insights and wisdom that will serve you, your children and the long term future of humanity.

P.S.

In case you are wondering, shortly after that process my son turned. I don’t even know when, it was almost an anti-climax. No drama of fanfare, but at my next appointment the midwife announced he was in the perfect position and there he stayed. You can read more about his birth story here

My son, one week old at his naming ceremony- which he slept right through!

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Resources for Breech Birth and texts mentioned in the post.

Here is a list of the resources I mention in the post plus a few extras. If you would like personalised support to clear energetic blocks to helping your baby into an optimal position for birth or to clear trauma from a previous birth experience including your own then please check out my 1:1 Transformation page.  Thank you and enjoy your pregnancy and baby.

Mary Cronk's wisdom about Breech Birth:  http://www.aims.org.uk/Journal/Vol10No3/handOffbreech.htm and 

http://www.aims.org.uk/Journal/Vol17No1/handsOff.htm

Some Beautiful photographs of Breech Birth:   http://londonbirthpractice.co.uk/index.php/educational-info/36-home-breech-birth-photo-series.html?start=1

For optimal positioning:  http://spinningbabies.com/

Uk based Facebook Support Group for Breech Birth:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/371624862918154/ 

Inspirational Reading, the book I started with:

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

Healing Birth Trauma: Reflections on the meaning of my different birth stories.

My second son Idrisa at three days old.

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This post was first published on 27th July 2015 as a submission for The Birth Story Project where you can still read it and many other inspiring stories.

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Both my sons were born at home.

Calm, Serene and blissful; my first son was born still sleeping into a pool and gave a gentle sigh for his first breath, to a delighted audience of four, myself, my husband and two lovely midwives.

Loud, raucous and exhilarating; my second was born in a hurry on the floor of my shower, crying on arrival for his first breath, to a delighted audience of one, me.

I began to wonder about these hugely contrasting experiences in a similar starting environment. Was it simply their different personalities shaping the way they came into the world? Their birth, their chosen start to life and me a willing co-creative partner. Certainly each entrance was a perfect fit for what each of my children needed and desired to experience. Still, I felt there was more, I felt that there was also a message for me. What I wondered was my side of the bargain? What was the gift for me in their birth stories?

Rewind to my own entrance into the world.

A stark contrast, according to baby me's perception. Born breech, with my mum in the unfortunately all too common recumbent beetle position, pushing against gravity was never going to be easy. My mum and me, we did brilliantly, right until the end when my stuck head needed to be eased out with forceps and I was immediately whisked off to a temporary abode by a sunny window in an incubator.

Gentle as the doctor was in his assistance, I found the experience to be deeply traumatic. Birth and the first hours immediately after are a potent time for imprinting

Me, with my mum, one month old.

I constructed my version of reality around an unfriendly universe, separation, and abandonment. Stripped of my power and any say in what happened to me, I felt truly worthless, unheard and unseen. I doubted my ability to complete any task by myself.

Of course this was only a short blip in a happy, loving environment. But my expectations were set: Life is hard, People take over against your will, maybe you couldn't have done it anyway. Better not try.

As an adult I have been gradually unpicking, unravelling and replacing this subconscious programming.

As free as I became, on the approach to my second son's birth I felt my foundations shaking. I was terrified. I didn't know if I could do it. It didn't matter that I knew consciously that women are made for birth, that it is an entirely natural physiological function performed without drama by every other mammal in the animal kingdom. Or even that I had already done it once. There remained a persistent doubt.

Hold on a minute I hear you question? You've skipped to your second? Shouldn't the terror have come up with the first?

Well it did to a point. But as I have discovered the universe is pretty friendly, especially when you ask for help. During my first pregnancy fears surfaced and were released. I dug deep and cleared out all the blocks and conditioning I could find. I felt confident. I was rewarded by a delightful birth experience. I was on top of the world. I had done it!

So why the extreme terror during my second pregnancy?

The answer was revealed to me in my ongoing growth and transformation as a confident woman that threads through my adult life and two birth stories. My first birth experience was my first opportunity to really embody confidence deeply into my cells. The first visceral, lived in the body proof that I was not worthless and a failure as a woman. That actually I was an amazing and powerful woman.

My first son Younusa, at 5 months old

However, having achieved one birth with assistance, (albeit rather hands off assistance, limited to one respectful and consented to vaginal examination and two giggling midwifes lit up by their head torch peering through the ripples of the pool to tell me of my progress.) I still didn't know if I could do anything on my own.

Step two along the path was learning that I could.

And I needed a different experience to fulfil that. One I could not foresee or second guess. My second son's birth perfectly met that need and put paid to the remnants of lingering doubt of capabilities as a woman.

I can pinpoint the shift in my being, to the last stages of the birth. At the time I was still, with some delusion, telling myself the labour journey had only just begun. We had planned a water birth for him too and the pool was to be my husband's main responsibility...

"I want the pool and there is no pool" I roared. Dimly aware that trotting off to move furniture and make space for the pool was no longer the best use of my husband's loving support at that moment, I was already too far gone for ordinary communication. But that roar of frustration released my agenda for the pool and something else took over. I knew and finally admitted to myself what my husband was as yet sweetly unaware. This baby was coming right now.

I retreated to the shower with a vague thought; warm water, nice. All my focus and energy was on the task at hand. Just me and my baby, cocooned in the shower cubicle and all else ceased to exist. I was no longer focused outwards, checking externally if what I was doing was correct. I was no longer handing over responsibility blindly to someone I perceived as more qualified and competent than me. Failure wasn't an option. Of course I was not thinking in these terms. I was barely even thinking at all in fact. I was living my experience of birth in communion with my son. And in the crucial final stages I did it alone.

The imprint of disempowerment exploded against my shower floor as my baby was born in a sudden whoosh of amniotic fluid.

I brought him smoothly round through my legs and sat down laughing in total euphoria at the enormity of the moment and at the expression on my husband's surprised face as he came running to my summons.

I did it alone. No assistance needed. Nothing.

There is still a delighted young girl skipping around inside me going, "Look, look everyone, look at what I did, you didn't know I could do that, did you?" and, "See, see," she says to the doctors who helped me be born, "I can do it after all."

My next step on the road? Well I don't know if there will be a third child or not, but I do know that my exploration of personal confidence is leading me to a place where I am so confident that even though I know I can do it alone, I no longer need to. That place is filled with laughing women in community and support, and in that place I am truly home.

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How Panic and Terror ultimately led to a Birth in Confidence

Today I am sharing a small but significant part of my second pregnancy in which I feared my preferred choice of birth place would be taken away from me.   I went through stages of denial, panic and terror but I came out the other side with a deeper confidence that shaped the remainder of my pregnancy and ultimately my business.

“Where would you like to give birth?” asked the consultant who was reviewing my blood pressure results.

“Well,” I ventured hesitantly, “I think my baby would like to be born at home.”

“It’s not about where your baby wants to be born,” she replied, looking slightly surprised as I had guessed she might. I was aware that considering the child’s views about his birth place may seem a bit off the wall to some, but it felt important to me and I was already experiencing the fierce mother tiger desire to protect his wishes.

“It’s about where YOU want to give birth,” she continued.

With that something in me finally took root. Some energy powered up through those roots, through my body and out of my mouth.

“At home.”

Just two words. Spoken with utter conviction. Not of the kind where I am trying to convince myself and wondering why the other person is not buying it. Just a simple statement of unconvertible fact.

She responded immediately to my shift in energy. She accepted my answer without further question. Now the discussion was against the backdrop of home birth. I started to breathe again.

The raw honesty and vulnerability, coupled with the fresh intensity and power held in those two words surprised me.

Even though I had known all along that was what I really wanted. I had been hesitant as I had been listening too closely to my mind and worrying about getting into conflict with the medical establishment.   I was there only to have my home birth plan confirmed, in writing rather than the verbal assurance I already had so as to put my midwives at ease. Having been on a blood pressure cuff for 24 hours that revealed my blood pressure to be entirely normal and even quite good at home and to spike only when the midwives tried to take it, it should have been a formality. But it was not turning out that way. I was so nervous waiting that when they did take my resting pulse it was 134, my bp was 156/107. I knew it was simply irrational panic, I wasn’t in danger and I knew that my birth plan wasn’t in danger either really. But try telling that to my body which was running to the tune of some other programme.

Despite all that, when it counted I found inner strength and confidence was coursing through my veins and speaking through me.

The paper I eventually signed with the Supervisor of midwives described me as a nervous lady. This also surprised me although I could understand on reflection that this was how I had presented myself to them.   I was bigging up the whole white coat syndrome to try and appear reasonable and therefore get them on side- (see this great blog that discusses the ways in which reasonable woman syndrome shows up in the maternity care system.)

It surprised me because that was not how I felt inside. This was my second child and second home birth and I was feeling on top of the world. Then with one random high BP reading that refused to come down my world turned temporarily upside down.

Several days of inner work, monitoring, and questioning later and I was back, more confident than ever. And just two weeks later I gave birth at home as planned in the wonderful but definitely unplanned setting of my shower cubicle.

In those two weeks I learnt a lot about confidence.

As a child I was not confident. I looked at my peers and thought they had it all together whilst I reddened at any attention and altered my opinions to match what I thought the group would want to hear or would appear cool.   As an adult I made some inroads into this but still looked to the more extrovert types for a template of confidence. Then I watched this Ted talk by Brené Brown on Vulnerability  and this interview with Sera Beak.   I realised that I had confidence all wrong. It wasn’t about eliminating all fear and sailing along permanently sure of yourself. It wasn’t about knowing all the answers in advance. It wasn’t about how I was presenting my outer self to the world either. I didn’t have to look, act or speak any particular way. In fact doing so was no guarantee that I would be feeling confident about myself inside, where it really mattered.

I realised that true confidence was about having the courage to show up as I was in that moment, all of me and my emotions present, whether they be fearful or fantastic. My confidence lay in complete self acceptance and self love, including the nervous, shy and introverted parts of me. It blossomed in my growing trust of the inherent safety of the universe. A universe that was delighted I had found the confidence and inner strength to allow vulnerable and scared if that was my experience.

It wasn’t necessarily any easier. Those last two weeks of my pregnancy were a roller coaster of emotions. But my determination to remain open and surrender to what showed up, along with my equally powerful determination to be true to my soul’s desires and own my truth (which in this case was to birth in a tent decorated with fairly lights and flowers in my garden) meant I got something better than easy. Better even than the tent which didn’t in fact happen! I got what I truly desired; empowered confidence in myself as a woman.

This consciousness I call confidence is not dependent on a particular set of circumstances and external support. It runs deep and allows panic, terror and doubt to run through my system yet remains unchanged below the surface. It is not affected by any stories I may tell myself about my less desirable emotions or challenging situations. And it goes far beyond any external behaviour I may dress myself in.

It shines out from deep inside, its clothes are simply the truth of who I am. All I am doing is lifting the covers off and tuning in to my essence as a woman. This essence trusts in life, for it is life and as such it takes change in its stride. And that is a good thing as we are living in a time of change. And the changes that are needed in the birth arena can only happen when we as women change from the inside out. Or to put it another way when we rediscover and live our inner strength and power as women. This is the journey that was encapsulated in those two simple words, ‘at home,’ and it is the journey of my business.

Will you join me?

For more information about how BirthEssence can support you to find your inner confidence and to birth with ease and joy check out the services I offer including 1:1 sessions and luxurious pregnancy massage.  I also offer a comprehensive Birth Confidence Package yet to be featured on my website. To be among the first to experience this and for more information drop me a line or call me. I look forward to working with you. x

“Being Ready” Part 2: The Power of NPA

“Being Ready” Part 1: Trust in the face of the unknown.

So here it is. The first BirthEssence blog post. So given the title, do I feel ready? Do I have some top tips on how to get ready and be prepared for any eventuality?

No not really. Perhaps not at all.

So why am I here and writing about being ready then?

Well, I may not feel ready but it’s time anyway, no matter what I think. It’s time for me to speak up and let my voice be heard in the world. Time for me to believe my voice matters and to take action. Time for me to join the growing movement of revolutionary women rising up, speaking out and claiming their power across the globe.

And I really couldn’t ignore the voice that spoke one evening in a buzzing field of golden energy and said ‘it’s time to write’.

I wanted to ignore it. I resisted. I heard myself think, “no way not me and write what? A blog? But every man and his dog writes a blog. I don’t have anything of any importance to say that is not already being said better by others, I don’t want to bore people and add to the mounds of self indulgent clap trap out there…” And so on….

But the voice persisted.

Eventually I recognised the truth is that it’s time. The pressure of unspoken words is building, ideas are swirling around, a passionate voice is coming alive in me, seeking to express itself and benefit the world.

So here I am. Feeling shy, unsure and not ready but writing anyway.

Feeling unsure and not ready, but going for it anyway was a teaching journey that ultimately lead me to joy, confidence and freedom during the birth of my second child.

I wasn’t ready then either. But it happened nevertheless. My child was born as is the natural order of things, despite whatever spin I was putting on my state of readiness or not.

By the time he arrived in an explosion of amniotic fluid and ecstasy, I was well beyond worrying about being ready or not. No longer residing in the rational thinking mind of the neo-cortex, I was instead experiencing directly; living, breathing, birthing. It turns out I was ready after all.

I was never not ready. I had only to live the experience to find this out. And this was hugely transformative and powerful.

Just four hours previously however, I did not feel ready, or that labour was even imminent. Little did I know.

I was obsessing over the cleanliness of the house. Bathroom ✓, bedroom ✓, rest of the house… – a terrible toy ridden mess, at least to my eyes. And that was just the beginning of an A4 list of duties that felt imperative to be completed before I would be ready to give birth. I could feel the pressure of the unclean house, the unorganised music, the uncharged fairy lights. The list went on. There was a sense of panic that I would never be ready in time.

But it was all unnecessary worry and self induced pressure. None of the rest of the list happened. It didn’t need to. You know what? The universe had my back. The Universe was ready whatever I believed. Not only ready but listening and providing for me too. The Universe really is a friendly place and it has taken me a while to really know that.

My actual birth experience was totally nothing like my carefully considered birth plan, with everything ready and in its place and in which I calmly and unhurriedly gave birth in my tent in the garden with music and fairy lights.

Oh no nothing like that.

It was wild, loud and exhilarating and totally brilliant in every way and nothing like I would ever have imagined or planned for. I never made it outside. In fact the only two rooms I really needed were… you guessed it, the only two clean ones, the bathroom and bedroom. The Universe was looking after me, delivering the birth experience I had really asked for in a totally different way from the one I had imagined.  My baby and my body were unfazed by my concerns and got on with their job unhindered.

It didn’t matter that nothing was quite ready enough and that I didn’t feel that ready either. The tiring impossibility of preparing for every potentiality was replaced by trust in the face of the unknown and my children were born in the beautiful atmosphere of trust and confidence that I had desired and worked towards

This learning lives on and this journey as a mother is bringing me answers to my seeking in the most surprising yet totally perfect and fitting way; ways that I could never have imagined, planned for or been prepared for had I been the one in charge.

So perhaps I can say that I am ready after all. So much so that being ready for anything is no longer the goal. I haven’t planned out every last miniscule detail with my business and blog before even starting. Instead I am diving in, as ready as I’ll ever need to be, living, experiencing and learning as I go along. And it’s really quite fun.
BirthEssence is available for  1:1 Work, Holistic Massage and Reiki to help you sort through your own readiness issues and come to a place of calm confidence and trust in your decisions.