Inner Work for being born

Category Archives for "Inner Work for being born"

Posts showing the power of changing your inner landscape to live your best life

Are you ready to take a leap of faith?

Is there something in your life you really want to do or be that you have been holding back on?

You know you want to but you are scared. You have an enormous list of sensible reasons why this may be risky, or why you should wait until you are more ready or know more?
Ultimately though, you know you want to and it’s going to stretch you. Right now, it may feel like too much of a stretch. It is going to take a leap of faith to do it and you are not sure you can.

Ever.

I know I have felt like this a few times in my life, this morning included! I have been stuck in that place for short and longer periods of time. Many things have helped me through it including the 1 to 1 work I do with people. Today though a story, a memory came to me.

I would like to tell you this story. It is about leaping.

Literal leaping.

When I was in year 7, aged 11, there was an opportunity to go on an outdoor pursuits week with a group of children. 16 boys and 16 girls. Typically, the boys’ spots were oversubscribed whereas only 17 girls put their names down. Me, I leapt at that opportunity. I couldn’t wait to have a go at all these exciting activities and couldn't understand why so few girls volunteered. However, those odds meant I had a really great chance of being picked. And I was lucky. I was one of the 16.

There was sea cliff scrambling, blindfold night walking, abseiling, sailing, Lots of fun stuff.

I was shy and quiet. I took part in all the activities and held back on the socialising, listening and watching the other girls in the dorm instead. I was often last in line for things as I let others go first- though I did always join in and participate.

Until the day came we were invited to jump off a cliff. Literally. I remember our group standing on top of the rock looking at the water below. Was it two or three metres high? Something like that, felt like a hundred. I waited, watching, expecting some of the louder boys to go.

Nope.

No one moved. No one wanted to go first. There was joking and teasing but no one actually stepped forwards. I began to get impatient. Eventually I volunteered. Going first was unusual for me. But I not only volunteered I surprised everyone and practically ran off the cliff!

Was I scared? a bit. Not much though. Just nervous excited.

Why?

Because I had already taken a leap like that a few years prior.

On holiday with my parents and brother in the Ardeche there was an even higher rock. Me and my brother watched a family of nudists happily throwing themselves off this rock into the river. We went closer. OMG it was high! We went up and watched. We approached the edge. The younger boy ran past us both, yelling gleefully as he threw himself off again into the water far below.

I don’t know how long we waited before getting the courage to have a go. I know my brother went first. I remember being totally terrified. But I couldn’t let all these other people do it and not me. I knew if I walked away from this moment, I would regret it forever and there would not be another moment. Eventually I just closed my eyes and leapt.

I dropped for a very long time. I wondered where the water had gone. I hit it. I continued down. I was almost panicking. How would I ever get back up again. I began to swim. I was scared ,what if I needed to breathe. It felt like forever in those seconds where I was frantically swimming back to the surface. Then I did it. I surfaced and breathed in air. Phew!

I had survived. I won’t pretend it was a hundred percent enjoyable that first time. It was too much of a stretch. It was a thrill though coming out the other side and I went straight back and did it again.

It was easier that second time.

It became comfortable as each time I survived. I was able to enjoy the sensations of the air and the water a bit more, the thrill remained as the terror was replaced by joy. I felt a major sense of achievement. It was a big cliff.

So back to the more modest cliff at the outdoor pursuit place.

I made the decision quickly. Although I was nervous, I already knew I could do it. So I did. Running before I chickened out of being the centre of attention by going first. Which was more the issue for me than the actual jumping off a cliff bit.

With this decision, I became the leader of my group. Something very new for me. I didn’t think I just went for it, surprising and impressing my peers and the teachers and myself. I wasn’t used to being the leader.

It felt good. Really good and something shifted in the dynamic between me, the shy, quiet girl who could be overlooked and this other version who was willing to leap off cliffs.

So why am I sharing this story?

Well, I took a leap and became the leader, after someone else inspired me and showed me it was possible. It is likely that you have, in your own life, been that inspiration for someone else who wanted to follow in your footsteps. It is also possible that you are now facing that moment of wanting to leap in your own life, trying to pluck up the courage whilst waiting for some right moment or encouragement.

Perhaps this story is that thing.

Will you allow this story to be the inspiration you need to take the leap you know you want to make?

Photo by BEERTA MAINI on Unsplash

Letting your soul catch up in the fast paced challenging world of today.

Photo by Laurentiu Morariu on Unsplash

Stop the Train, I want to get off!

Anyone else been feeling like this of late, or any time over the last year really?

I’ve had this feeling a number of times Usually a final small thing, the proverbial straw that broke the camels back comes along and breaks me. It seems there is just too much change, too fast and each time I think things are calming down something else happens.

This year has been tough on so many and perhaps all of us in one way or another. For some it is complete overwhelm, home schooling children whilst working from home and perhaps with a precarious or reduced family income, whilst recovering from Covid, for others it is total isolation and removal of all their usual support system. For many of us it has been both simultaneously.

Alongside coping with our various personal situations we are all feeling the collective grief, fear and emotional states. There is so much grief over the loss of all we thought certain and steady, grief for lost loved ones and lost loved activities, fear of death and illness and of more changes and an uncertain future. There are concerns over moves to a more authoritarian state, polarised opinions and emotions running high. The planet is noisy and everything is shifting fast.

It is no wonder we sometimes wish we could just get the train to stop, just for a little while, a little relief.

Last week I found myself at breaking point again, nothing different really, perhaps a child saying no he sees no reason to tie his laces or come for dinner. Something small. But I found myself yelling internally STOP, enough. I felt overwhelmed with too many changes too fast, too much information to process and too many things to do. You may well recognise the scene or something similar, where three children simultaneously yelling for different reasons and yanking at your clothes whilst the door bell rings and the phone also rings and you know there is something else you need to do before a certain time and you can’t hear yourself think and dinner is burning too.

So if you recognise something of your own situation in this description please read on.

First, I’d like to tell you a story I heard years ago and have always remembered (no idea who to attribute the story to if you know do drop me a line)

The basic gist I remember goes like this:

A group of intrepid mountaineers have planned a trip. They are in the Himalayas and have hired a team of Sherpas to carry their equipment. They have a schedule. They are happy they are making good progress against their timetable. They are making such good time they find themselves two days ahead of schedule and are celebrating the extra time they have. They are looking forwards to their main climb which is still some days away across country. The sun is shining, they are tired but energised and in good spirits.
Then the next morning their Sherpas sit down and refuse to move. Until now they have cheerfully followed the mountaineers schedule. But now nothing can persuade them to move another step. Their reason: They have walked too far, too fast. Now their souls need to catch up. They will wait in this spot until they feel their soul has caught up.

I can picture the surprise and consternation of the Western mountaineers faced with a different mentality and beliefs to their own and I can also feel the truth in what the Sherpas told them.

And here is how that showed up for me, and what this has to do with our current situation and healing birth trauma.

When the overwhelm descended last week I booked a session with a colleague. I opened into the energy of wanting the train to stop so I could get off back and back to its origin. This was not the first time I had felt like this and the original pain was only being triggered by similarities in our current situation to the original situation. I found myself back as a new born baby. A sensitive empathetic baby who was overwhelmed with the noise and everyday activity of this new world she was born into. The birth had been a big experience for her. The first big transition of her life, where everything was changing and she had no control over her environment and no idea what was going to happen next. Bright lights, talking- no longer muffled- from many different, unfamiliar voices, no rhythmic pulsing of her mother’s heart, no comforting feel of the umbilical cord and placenta which is all she had known. The strange sensation of the space around her. It was all just too much at once. Even one of those things would have been a major experience to process.

I went back just a little to when I was half in and half out of my mother. To the first moment when I kind of knew what was about to happen and I was screaming for more time. It was happening too fast and was too much to cope with. I wasn’t ready, I needed time. Time for my soul to catch up.

In this healing process I was able to ask for this. It was the most curious feeling. Time literally stopped. As if I had taken a photograph of the moment and then entered and become the photograph. Yet I was alive and experiencing myself not in this world in a space of stillness and silence. The pause that I had needed. I stayed there and let myself feel supported by the spirit world as my soul caught up and poured itself into my body. I felt my body and soul gradually relax. Time out from the fast and furious pace I had been experiencing in the powerful energy that is birth.

After a few timeless minutes, and if you have given birth and experienced the way time can go all kooky then you know what that feels like, I was then ready. The image shifted and the baby me was born, this time she was able to cope with the noise and bright lights. She had the resilience and presence she needed. She had something I cannot put into words. A sense of peace and rightness with where she was and what was happening no matter how challenging. The knowledge that she would get through this and it would be ok even if she couldn’t see how or know what would happen. I trusted this feeling and this knowledge.

This was integrated all the way up to the present day where I am still working my way through life with Covid restrictions, my business, my family, my dreams, and all of life ahead but once more with peace in my heart, a greater sense of trust in life that everything is working out well, and feeling supported in that. It makes all the difference especially in these challenging times.

If this story speaks to you, I suggest first asking your body and your soul if they need time out and time to catch up and if yes plan it into your schedule. Plan some time to do nothing very much, listen to the birds, rest in nature or in your bath tub.

If you would like to go deeper and explore how your birth experience is impacting on your present day life then please message me to see how I might support you. I offer 121 healing and support via zoom.

Do you feel worthy to become a mother?

“Do you have a message for me?” I asked through my tears and grief.

“Remember,” she smiled. “Remember you are this too… “

I took a deep breath. Something in my brain couldn’t quite compute this message.

Me? Could I really be this too?

I was connecting with my unborn baby and she had just said good bye. She was not to be born in physical form - this time at least. Though I was reeling with the shock and pain I was hugely comforted by her presence. She was so gentle and loving. I felt her to be a wise sacred being and I was in total awe of her Divine Presence. No way was I Divine and Sacred like that.

But she smiled, she nodded and as I in a confused state of shock, hesitantly and reluctantly accepted her message, it was time for her to leave.

She’d made herself known with the same gentle wisdom even before I was pregnant. During a specific guided process, I had met her across a bridge. A small girl who nevertheless packed a huge punch in the sacred presence department that left me blasted wide open in love.

This is the energy of the future I reflected later. These are the children we are welcoming to the planet right now, this is part of the evolution of humanity, the consciousness that wants to be born on this planet at this time. Amazing.

And she was ready to come to me. I was delighted and quite blown away. I felt my heart open with love each time I remembered that first meeting... But did I feel worthy? Was I equally ready for her to come to me?

She came anyway. I knew it before the lines on the stick confirmed it to me. So I set about preparing for her arrival. For me that is always at least as much about the inner work as the practical. When I align my inner world the outer journey is always an easier ride.

But it wasn’t to be.

One day shy of 15 weeks I began to bleed. Two days later a scan confirmed what I already knew; they were very sorry but there was no heartbeat.

The next few weeks were a blur in many ways. Ordinary life continued as I waited for the miscarriage to complete. First the denial phase of the grief process. Perhaps I could magic her back to life. Perhaps it hadn’t really happened and the scan was wrong… Crazy thoughts. The grief came in waves. In those moments I would surrender to the emotion. My heart breaking, my existence consumed by one long scream of pain.

Yet into my raw and wounded heart, and through the confusion of overwhelming and conflicting emotions, her parting message kept niggling at me. I had accepted her message and its powerful energy so wanted to come alive in me. But as yet I could not fully believe it and everything that was not in alignment with it was being thrown up my way.

Which would win out? Well it was a tough ride. Truthfully I did not feel equal. I did not feel worthy to be her mother. In fact, I felt totally unworthy to carry such a child. I felt I was the bottom of the heap, way, way lower than her in some kind of spiritual hierarchy. I was nothing in comparison.

As I worked my way through my unworthiness I saw the scale of this problem. How so many women put themselves last. How so many neglect their own needs and sacrifice themselves for their families. How this unworthy pattern plays out in a myriad of different ways for women and how it cannot continue as we welcome in the next generation of children. Of course there is a paradox. Just because we don’t believe we are worthy or equal doesn’t make that true but if we don’t believe it how can we live it? How can we effect the changes we want to see in the world? And how will it impact those who are coming in if they have to wade through a foggy energy field of unworthiness?

I started out totally unable to fathom that I could be a soul of equal worth to my child and that we had an agreement between equals. Deeper and deeper I spiralled into the layers of how I didn’t feel worthy until at last I broke through into the spacious knowing that I was equally worthy and Divine as she.

Different yes. I am me and I came earlier. My energy is different to hers. But different no longer meant lesser. Prior to this I could spout along with the best of them about how we are all equal even if different without fully believing it was true for me. Now I got it at a deeper, visceral level. There was a knowing that could not be shaken.

It also feels timely. After centuries of oppression women are indeed rising up and speaking out, calling for change. A new feminine power is forming. One which I hope will not alienate or suppress a true masculine power but complement each other in a rising dance of spirit. It is time for us all to rediscover and embody our full worth as women, as human beings and as mothers. For ourselves and for our children, It IS time. And there is no time to waste.

Already I am noticing profound differences in how I am showing up. I am peaceful inside and less triggered by my children being children. There is a joy in being alive bubbling up that I can tune into. I don’t have to constantly prove myself so there is less push. That has been reflected back to me by others. My voice has changed. Clients go deeper more quickly and with less efforting on my part. My son keeps coming and hugging me.

So in the end although I wouldn’t have chosen this path to self-worth I am deeply grateful for the gift of this pregnancy and birth. It has been a powerfully transformative rite of passage just as a live birth would have been and I am looking forward to watching the shifts continue over the next weeks and months.

If you have experienced miscarriage and want to clear your cells and being of loss and grief before you welcome your baby. Or if you can feel something holding you back from being the mother you really want then do check out my 121 services where I support women like you to release stored trauma and pain and birth in confidence.

Previous Post What if I can't cope with pain of labour?

Next Post Do you still have difficult feelings round being a mother? Try this compassion exercise.

Are your emotions charged with excess baggage? Try this.

Sometimes when I name my emotions I feel like the wheelbarrow in the picture above. Loaded down with the years, lifetimes perhaps of what that feeling means to me and has meant in the past. This post shares a simple exercise you can try to get under the accumulated weight of meaning attached to your words.

Words have power.

The way we use these words makes a difference to our experience. We can make positive affirmations to support our intentions. We can explore and name our emotions and journal our thoughts to help ourselves move through challenging situations. Or we can use them to metaphorically beat ourselves up with a stick.

Even the very words themselves have a strong energetic field. Some words can feel uplifting and strengthening, others may feel heavy and pull us down. Some words may feel heavier than lugging excess luggage around an airport on a trolley with a dodgy wheel.

When the gargantuan reality of the luggage is totally belied by the innocently light label it is attached to, I have often wished I could wave a magic wand and magic away the luggage entirely.

Whilst I am thinking figuratively this also brings to mind our family holidays to my husband’s native home, The Gambia...

...I brace myself, bend my knees keep my back straight and pull swiftly upwards swinging yet another bag onto the conveyor belt to be weighed. I am nervous. Will we be over the limit? We are getting some curious stares. Most people on this flight to The Gambia are English tourists. They have the lightest of bags suitable for a winter sun destination. Some look like they only have hand luggage.

We on the other hand have not one but two trolleys piled high with bags of every size that have been carefully weighed at home to get as close to the maximum limit as possible. We have something like 85 kilos of luggage wobbling around on the overloaded trolleys. I am also carrying a toddler in my arms and a baby in my belly. I can barely be seen beneath all this stuff.

Fast forward thousands of miles and a couple of days later the hot and dusty baggage makes it to its destination having survived the aeroplane, taxi, boat, bus roof and even wheel barrow rides. A knife rather than a magic wand cuts loose the tattered luggage labels but it nevertheless magically seems to release more than the kilos and kilometres our aching muscles have endured. Minus the extra luggage we had brought for the local school and for my husband’s extended family I feel free and light as a bird.

Whereas on holiday we had to physically carry heavy bags attached to our luggage labels, in life we are not beholden to the past history of the words we use to describe our emotional state. As we journey through life our brains attempt to make sense and categorise our varied experiences. When we encounter new situations it tries to work out if we are safe or not based on previous experience. Sometimes that’s ok. Sometimes it’s a bind.

Sometimes our words can be concealing heavy excess baggage that we may have been lugging around for years. The weight of the word may be like trying to lift a Mary Poppins bag of just in case items.

When we say we feel fear, do we mean the kind of fear that we get when we are nearly run over by a bus? Do we mean the kind of fear we feel when under pressure in an exam? Do we mean the kind of fear we feel when we are about to jump from an aeroplane for our first parachute jump? Are we responding to the current fear or to all the times we ever felt fear, particularly if we squashed it down and forced it to be stored in our cells?

Whenever the emotion is out of proportion to the situation in hand there is an invitation to do some inner healing work.

Here is a simple exercise* that is useful if you sense that the label you have assigned to your emotion is part of the problem; If you feel that underbelly of consciousness that has got tangled up in the word is getting in your way and muddying the waters, it will open you freshly in the experience and offer you a new perspective.
(* Special Thanks to Joel Young the founder and custodian who first introduced me to this idea)

It’s called “Take the label off.” It’s kind of self-explanatory and it goes like this.

1. Name your experience or emotion and notice how you feel as you do.

2. Take the label for your experience right off and throw it away. It may help to imagine getting a big pair of scissors and to cut the cord that attaches the label to the body of energy consciousness.

3. Tune in again and notice how your experience differs when you are simply experiencing what is arising without and reference points. It may help you to make sure your feet are firmly planted on the floor and you are breathing deeply and steadily into your body as you do. Have an intention to allow whatever arises and stay still in the centre of that. Be open and curious.

Without the label I experience a pure connection with the energy of the situation, a little like the connection I can feel to a stranger when participating in silent meditation together.

This exercise works well on emotions such as fear and it also works very well with concepts like Pain. Pain is one of the most quoted worries of labour- Will I be able to cope with the pain? I feel like I am splitting in two? I am not good with pain… are common refrains.

Pain in labour is not the same as pain from an injury but we use the same word to describe very different experiences and we may trigger our body into reacting as if we were in danger rather than in labour.

What happens when you take the label off and just feel what is actually happening? For me that was totally freeing. I could feel each muscle in my body working, I questioned what each sensation meant to me now I was not using the word pain. I got very interested in what I was actually experiencing in the here and now. My body felt heard and appreciated. I felt freedom even as I was feeling what in ordinary direct language pain is still the closest adjective I can find to communicate. The full story of how I was able to cope with intense pain and move smoothly through transition is the subject of a whole other post.

For now I will leave you with a quote from Ina May Gaskin that illustrates this exercise very well. In response to a woman’s question about labour she replies;

“Don’t think of it as pain, think of it as an interesting sensation that requires all your attention.” *

This quote could also expand into a whole post on the nature of life and the freedom of focusing on present moment awareness but I think you probably get it so I’d rather leave you to go off and play with the idea.

Let me know in the comments how you get on and I will be back soon with some more discussion about how to manage fear and other tricky emotions..

* From the book Spiritual Midwifery, by Ina May Gaskin, page 43.

Fear: Friend or foe? Shift your perspective with a helpful acronym.

Photo by Alekon pictures on Unsplash

How do you respond when fear grabs you suddenly?

Fear can be tricky and confusing. It’s hard to maintain perspective when you are in the throes of a strong emotion like fear. It can Impair your intuition and cloud your usually good judgment. Is it a genuine warning signal of danger to act on now or is it overblown panic triggered by old memories stored in your cells or negative thought projections? Sometimes a little bit of time breathing into the emotion in a space of stillness is enough to bring you back to the ground and allow some inner wisdom to penetrate. Sometimes it takes a little more and over the years I have found lots of helpful little tips to support me to reframe my experience.

At first I used to panic and shutdown when I felt the stirrings of fear in my belly. When fear ran riot I would feel the urge to run, to shut it down, to do anything other than sit in stillness and let it run through until I could feel a more solid base through the emotion.

I thought of fear more as an enemy and obstacle to overcome than a friendly messenger. I saw her as something to push away or push through and had no idea of the possibilities that would open up if I welcomed her and experienced her with as much willingness as I would joy or happiness.

This pattern was particularly acute in pregnancy. I was vulnerable and open like many pregnant women. Birth is not an activity you can repeat until you get it right, nor is it entirely predictable and I felt the pressure which fuelled my fear.

I persevered with the innerwork and nowadays I see her as a useful friend who serves to keep me on track and motivates me to dig deeper for freedom and peace. Not necessarily a comfortable friend mind. The physical sensations that alert me to fear are the same, quickening of the pulse, shakiness in my belly for example.

I can still get scared when I’m feeling fear. But I have a number of tools and tips that help me out. One of the earliest breakthroughs came from playing with the letters of the word itself. I created an acronym that totally freed up my way of experiencing fear. This ability to let the scaredness run through without letting it run me into hasty fear based decisions took some practice. I had deep grooves and was used to freezing up in the face of fear.

However, with a new perspective I suddenly found fear much easier to handle and without squashing it down was able to work with it and still keep going towards my goals. I remember the first time very clearly and use it as a reminder whenever I forget. The overwhelmingly frightening experience of fear as stronger than me dropped away and I moved from powerlessness to an exciting sense of possibility.

Ok so enough explanation. Here are my two perspectives on fear: The first is the way I used to experience and see fear and the second is my experience using my acronym.

F.E.A.R. Frightening Energy Always Returns.

Looming blackness hovering round the edges of my vision, dread, like a dead weight pulling down at my stomach, pulling my leaden feet down into the earth so I can no longer move, crushing my chest so I can no longer catch my breath. Panic, swirling round me so fast I can’t keep up or make sense of the sensations. I can’t think straight. It’s stronger than me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do it anyway. I just want to get out of here. Now.

F.E.A.R. Fresh Energy Appearing Rapidly.

I notice the quickening, in my breath, in my being and all around me and I stay still. I know it is just energy. I feel it moving fast towards me and through me and I keep breathing. Even though my breath catches at first, I stay with it. I send myself love and compassion and I wait. I breathe more deeply and I find I can appreciate this strong energy as it moves and I stay still in it. I notice the speed of the energy. I feel its vibrations. It buzzes. I keep breathing and I am still alive. I calm and I begin to see. I am still here. The whole world has not ended. All will be well. I am brave and I open fully into the energy and I move through it. I remember that I can do this. The message becomes clear and I can move beyond, richer for the experience, stronger for the journey.

How differently did you feel as you read each description?

If you read quickly skimming through then have another go.

You may like to take a pen and paper or journal to note down any insights.

Shake yourself into a neutral place before starting then go back and read each one again slowly. Feel your way into each statement and notice how you are sitting, how you are breathing and how your body responds to the words. After the first statement bring yourself back to neutral then read the second one through in a similar way.

How did you experience it this time?

For me contemplating Fear as fresh energy appearing rapidly feels like freedom. I am much more able to cope with fear when it is just energy and it helps me to meet that particular fear freshly each time. Somehow it loses its charge. Its power to cripple me and leave me enslaved to its demands is gone

Of course the trick with any tool is to remember to use it especially in the beginning.

If you like this idea write it out and pin it up somewhere prominent and try reading it out when you next feel fearful. Take a few minutes just to feel the energy moving whilst you stay still and see where your stillness leads you.

No matter how much emotional preparation we do during our pregnancy (and I do highly recommend innerwork and emotional preparation) we cannot be sure we will not meet our old friend FEAR just around the corner at an unexpected and possibly vulnerable moment. Shifting my perspective and transforming my relationship with fear has been fantastically freeing for me and I hope you will also benefit.

Do let me know in the comments how you find it.

New Year Gift: Guided Visualisation to Replenish Your Energy.

Photo by Wil Stewart on Unsplash

In the relative calm of these last few days of the year after the whirlwind of Christmas I am reflective. The New Year is nearly here. I can feel the freshness approaching and I want to offer myself and you a gift to mark the beginning of the approaching fresh new adventures. Something both beautiful and useful. Something quick and simple that is easy to fit into a busy life.

2015 was a year of growth and challenges. Of breaking through my comfort zone over and over. I was glad of my self care routine and guided visualisations even if I had to press reset several times when my practice slipped. As a busy mother of young children I am always glad of ways to increase my energy levels.

With that aim, I have created a short ( 10 minute) guided visualisation that will help replenish your energy levels and support you in maintaining healthy boundaries. Click below to download an audio recording or keep reading for how to instructions to do by yourself.

This gift was inspired by a chat with a fellow birthworker who described how she sometimes felt drained after spending time with a client who needed a lot of support. She so wanted to help her and make a difference but found herself being pulled into the situation, her energy sapped until she had nothing left to give.

I related as I also, despite the many tools I have at my disposal sometimes forget and find myself overwhelmed with extreme fatigue due to lack of sleep and lack of self care. It’s usually my children who trigger this pattern. This guided visualisation is also my gift to myself to mark my commitment to build on my own self care routine, looking after myself with the same attention and dedication I show my children until it becomes automatic.

It’s a common scenario, not just for birth workers but for all of us. We care so much for the loved ones in our lives, we do our best to give everything of ourselves and we forget to offer the same level of dedicated care and nurturing to ourselves.

Holiday periods such as Christmas can amplify this kind of tendency to give and give until we drop. It tends to highlight any holes in your self care as many people gather together.

Pregnancy is another potential straw for the camel's back if you have any gaps in healthy boundaries and self care routine.

As someone who is very sensitive to the energy of others already when I was pregnant my heightened awareness of mood and atmosphere was particularly strong and I needed to make a regular practice of clearing my energy field, grounding to a more solid Earth energy and honouring how I was feeling and the job I was doing to bring my children to the world.

I still need to do this and as I said I sometimes forget, or use the endless to do lists in an every shrinking window of time as an excuse to put it off. But although as a mother of young children I can no longer dedicate long hours in a single block of time for meditation and quiet time as often as I would like I am no longer willing to use this as an excuse for no self care at all.

Guided visualisations are one of my favourite tools to help me to remain centred, grounded and calm whilst being engaged with people, sometimes in busy, noisy environments that bombard my senses. Remaining calm and centred when all around you is chaos or there are multiple demands on your time and energy is a great skill to cultivate for everyone.

This guided visualisation will help you to align yourself with the Mothering Energy of the Earth and the Universal Life Force Energy. With practice you will be able to access this in an instant and shift your mindset and subsequently your energy levels very quickly. It is particularly beneficial whilst pregnant to maintain a stable stress free environment for your growing baby. I use this quided visualisation before any healing session or when I will be in a situation with a lot of people or other challenging situation. It will support you to give your all without being depleted.

Summary of benefits:

Protects you from the overload of busy hyper energy and adrenalin and stress, super important if you are pregnant and useful for all of us.
Helps prevent you from leaking energy or being affected by ‘energy vampires’ when you can’t remove yourself form the situation or take time out.
Reduces the risk of crash burn and overwhelm instead replenishing and reenergising you in a quick enjoyable way.
Creates a healthy habit that you can apply all year round.

Golden Mother Energy Fountain Visualisation Instructions:

1. Just before you open the door to see your client, or welcome your family or whatever your situation is Pause and take a couple of breaths in and out.

Little pauses in your day like this create big space over time. If you have forgotten and you are already half way through your meeting and feeling drained, start with a pause right now, its never too late.

2. Feel your feet on the ground. You may like to stamp them gently or wriggle your toes. Sense how they connect you to the Earth and imagine golden tendrils spiralling from the base of your feet deep into the earth. Imagine they connect with the very heart of the Earth herself.

3. Feel the energy flow up from the heart of the earth in through the soles of your feel, up your legs and through your body. Feel the motherly quality of this energy. Feel the gentle soothing love and big heart of the Earth energy swirling and moving up right through your body and filling you up.

4. Let it burst out from the crown of your head in a shower of golden energy that sparkles down all around you, hitting the earth around you in a perfect circle and being absorbed back into the earth.

5. Allow this golden earth energy to be a protective shimmering energy field around you that protects your energy. Simultaneously the flow of energy from the earth stabilises and grounds you and re energises the parts of you that have been drained.

6. The golden shower around you is sparkly and shimmering like thousands of little mirrors.These help to mirror any negative draining energy back away from you conserving your energy. They also shine and radiate their own light and golden energy so that simply by being in your presence the other person is eased and soothed.

7. Now as you continue with your activity let this energy carry you. The care and love you offer is no longer solely your own energy. You are not depleting yourself to care for another. You are able to move and dance with this energy and let the natural flow of the Mother Earth energy move through you.You are not giving only of your personal love and energy ending up depleted and drained. Instead you are allowing the infinite power of love to move through you, replenishing you and the other in a more effortless and sustainable way.

Photo by JD Weiher on Unsplash

So now it's over to you. Click below to download an audio version or just close your eyes and have a go.

I love to hear from you, Did you enjoy this and find this helpful?

What are your favourite practices to maintain your energy in challenging situations?

Healing Birth Trauma: Reflections on the meaning of my different birth stories.

My second son Idrisa at three days old.

This post was first published on 27th July 2015 as a submission for The Birth Story Project where you can still read it and many other inspiring stories.

Both my sons were born at home.

Calm, Serene and blissful; my first son was born still sleeping into a pool and gave a gentle sigh for his first breath, to a delighted audience of four, myself, my husband and two lovely midwives.

Loud, raucous and exhilarating; my second was born in a hurry on the floor of my shower, crying on arrival for his first breath, to a delighted audience of one, me.

I began to wonder about these hugely contrasting experiences in a similar starting environment. Was it simply their different personalities shaping the way they came into the world? Their birth, their chosen start to life and me a willing co-creative partner. Certainly each entrance was a perfect fit for what each of my children needed and desired to experience. Still, I felt there was more, I felt that there was also a message for me. What I wondered was my side of the bargain? What was the gift for me in their birth stories?

Rewind to my own entrance into the world.

A stark contrast, according to baby me's perception. Born breech, with my mum in the unfortunately all too common recumbent beetle position, pushing against gravity was never going to be easy. My mum and me, we did brilliantly, right until the end when my stuck head needed to be eased out with forceps and I was immediately whisked off to a temporary abode by a sunny window in an incubator.

Gentle as the doctor was in his assistance, I found the experience to be deeply traumatic. Birth and the first hours immediately after are a potent time for imprinting

Me, with my mum, one month old.

I constructed my version of reality around an unfriendly universe, separation, and abandonment. Stripped of my power and any say in what happened to me, I felt truly worthless, unheard and unseen. I doubted my ability to complete any task by myself.

Of course this was only a short blip in a happy, loving environment. But my expectations were set: Life is hard, People take over against your will, maybe you couldn't have done it anyway. Better not try.

As an adult I have been gradually unpicking, unravelling and replacing this subconscious programming.

As free as I became, on the approach to my second son's birth I felt my foundations shaking. I was terrified. I didn't know if I could do it. It didn't matter that I knew consciously that women are made for birth, that it is an entirely natural physiological function performed without drama by every other mammal in the animal kingdom. Or even that I had already done it once. There remained a persistent doubt.

Hold on a minute I hear you question? You've skipped to your second? Shouldn't the terror have come up with the first?

Well it did to a point. But as I have discovered the universe is pretty friendly, especially when you ask for help. During my first pregnancy fears surfaced and were released. I dug deep and cleared out all the blocks and conditioning I could find. I felt confident. I was rewarded by a delightful birth experience. I was on top of the world. I had done it!

So why the extreme terror during my second pregnancy?

The answer was revealed to me in my ongoing growth and transformation as a confident woman that threads through my adult life and two birth stories. My first birth experience was my first opportunity to really embody confidence deeply into my cells. The first visceral, lived in the body proof that I was not worthless and a failure as a woman. That actually I was an amazing and powerful woman.

My first son Younusa, at 5 months old

However, having achieved one birth with assistance, (albeit rather hands off assistance, limited to one respectful and consented to vaginal examination and two giggling midwifes lit up by their head torch peering through the ripples of the pool to tell me of my progress.) I still didn't know if I could do anything on my own.

Step two along the path was learning that I could.

And I needed a different experience to fulfil that. One I could not foresee or second guess. My second son's birth perfectly met that need and put paid to the remnants of lingering doubt of capabilities as a woman.

I can pinpoint the shift in my being, to the last stages of the birth. At the time I was still, with some delusion, telling myself the labour journey had only just begun. We had planned a water birth for him too and the pool was to be my husband's main responsibility...

"I want the pool and there is no pool" I roared. Dimly aware that trotting off to move furniture and make space for the pool was no longer the best use of my husband's loving support at that moment, I was already too far gone for ordinary communication. But that roar of frustration released my agenda for the pool and something else took over. I knew and finally admitted to myself what my husband was as yet sweetly unaware. This baby was coming right now.

I retreated to the shower with a vague thought; warm water, nice. All my focus and energy was on the task at hand. Just me and my baby, cocooned in the shower cubicle and all else ceased to exist. I was no longer focused outwards, checking externally if what I was doing was correct. I was no longer handing over responsibility blindly to someone I perceived as more qualified and competent than me. Failure wasn't an option. Of course I was not thinking in these terms. I was barely even thinking at all in fact. I was living my experience of birth in communion with my son. And in the crucial final stages I did it alone.

The imprint of disempowerment exploded against my shower floor as my baby was born in a sudden whoosh of amniotic fluid.

I brought him smoothly round through my legs and sat down laughing in total euphoria at the enormity of the moment and at the expression on my husband's surprised face as he came running to my summons.

I did it alone. No assistance needed. Nothing.

There is still a delighted young girl skipping around inside me going, "Look, look everyone, look at what I did, you didn't know I could do that, did you?" and, "See, see," she says to the doctors who helped me be born, "I can do it after all."

My next step on the road? Well I don't know if there will be a third child or not, but I do know that my exploration of personal confidence is leading me to a place where I am so confident that even though I know I can do it alone, I no longer need to. That place is filled with laughing women in community and support, and in that place I am truly home.

Rainbows of forgiveness: A path to freedom from centuries old pain

‘Look’, my son cries, ‘a rainbow’. We stop and gaze in wonder at the vivid colours leaping across the sky towards their fabled pot of gold that promises new beginnings and richness beyond imagining. My son is delighted that it appears to start just behind our road somewhere. I am delighted by his innocence, joy and enthusiasm. I am reminded that I need not chase after an ephemeral, always just out of reach, external source of riches. My son’s excitement and the rainbow’s own glory prompt me to stop and savour the riches I am already living. Right here, right now my own pot of gold laughs with me at the amazing colours of life unfolding before our eyes.

As if a joyful reminder to notice the richness already surrounding me, and a promise of hope and renewal weren’t enough, today the rainbow also directed me towards the power of forgiveness via my much loved deck of Mother’s Wisdom Cards. I pulled the Rainbow card and was invited to reflect on forgiveness. I remembered times I had forgiven a person or event that was weighing on my heart. the resultant joy and lightness causes me to soar to heights on a par with the rainbow’s dizzy display of colour.

As I reflected a strong memory surfaced of one of the most memorable and significant times I have felt forgiveness. The back story shows me at a time in my life when I was single and had just tried, luckily unsuccessfully, to have a relationship with a highly unsuitable man. He did not treat me well and still I chased. My huge grief at the realisation that this was not going to be the relationship I wanted it to be was totally out of proportion to the handful of times I had met him before he ran away and refused all contact. Every attempt at real communication felt catastrophically wrong and painful. I became angry and bitter at the way I had been treated and despite previous attempts to find closure had not managed to let go of the story. Even I could tell I was obsessing over something that from the outside looked relatively minor. Why did it feel so big to me?

So I sought support from a friend and colleague in the form of a Journey Process.* During my process I was transported back to what appeared to be a past life memory of my execution. I was about to be beheaded by someone I knew from my village and as I looked into his eyes I recognised him to be this man from my present life who’d mysteriously run straight out of my life. I felt such a strong connection to this person and felt that they had been important to me in this life yet here they were about to execute me. His eyes were full of guilt and anguish. I continued to gaze at him and consciously opened into his heart and asked to be shown how it was for him. I was blasted into such a powerful shock and grief with the words ‘I am sorry, please forgive me’ repeated over and over and over again.

I felt our village was being ransacked and women were being targeted and punished, particularly healers or medicine women and there was a kind of civil war happening with villagers being pitted against each other in cruel twist. He was utterly horrified at what he was being forced to do. but although he did not want to kill me, in that moment, at that time he had no choice.

As I felt this I really had no choice either. I forgave him completely. Or more accurately forgiveness flooded my heart and being as I felt the totality of the situation and the enormity of his grief and regret. He had been punished enough. I let go of my blame, anger and betrayal. I allowed love to flow through me again. I felt whole and healed.

As I brought this energy through to the present day me I felt only compassion for my would be suitor and instead of the ranting email I had planned I found the only words in my mind and heart were ‘I love you, please forgive me and I let you go now.’

I never saw or spoke to him again. These words were expressed only in this process. But I have no doubt that they set us both free. As I let him go, both in the past and in the present, I let go too. I felt relief and joy. I felt as if I was flying across the sky like the rainbow propelled by my forgiveness into a pot of golden freedom. I didn’t need to chase it. The gold was pouring into and from my heart as love replaced the heavy weight that unbeknownst to me I had been carrying for far longer than the few months I had known this person.

Memories like these concerning what I term ‘witch hunt mentality’ seem to be occurring quite commonly at this time. Whole groups of women are releasing this stored collective consciousness from our past. It is time for women to step out of the shadow of these previous eras when to survive it was necessary to hide our talents and the ways of feminine healing and leading. It is time to forgive and set aside the past and to create wholeness. A wholeness where the feminine and masculine energies within each of us live in balance and unity. A wholeness where love and forgiveness shine forth like the rainbow leading us to the gold within.

This deep spontaneous forgiveness that came with understanding and emotional release set me free, set both of us free, and it is this kind of work that is setting a whole generation free. I am amazed by what I discover when I enquire within, how much can be imprinted and stored from traumatic events and equally how much can be released. We are creating space for new lives, new beginnings. A space that is much needed.

In this case, new beginnings spilled their colours quickly onto the canvas of my life. Shortly afterwards I met my amazing husband and my life took on a wonderful new direction.

And so I leave you with the reflection, Where in your life is forgiveness needed? What rainbows would brighten your sky brighten your sky when you forgive?

For more information about The Journey pioneered by Brandon Bays and how it can help you find freedom and forgiveness please click here.* For a 3 free guided visualizations created by Brandon Bays for healing and relaxation please click here* and for the free e-book The Journey click here *

Follow the link to learn more about and buy Mother’s Wisdom Deck: A 52-Card Inspiration Deck with Guidebook (Book & Cards)*

If you feel like you may benefit from some forgiveness work check out my 1:1 page to see what I offer or call me to chat about how I can help you.

*These are affiliate links.

“Being Ready” Part 1: Trust in the face of the unknown.

So here it is. The first BirthEssence blog post. So given the title, do I feel ready? Do I have some top tips on how to get ready and be prepared for any eventuality?

No not really. Perhaps not at all.

So why am I here and writing about being ready then?

Well, I may not feel ready but it’s time anyway, no matter what I think. It’s time for me to speak up and let my voice be heard in the world. Time for me to believe my voice matters and to take action. Time for me to join the growing movement of revolutionary women rising up, speaking out and claiming their power across the globe.

And I really couldn’t ignore the voice that spoke one evening in a buzzing field of golden energy and said ‘it’s time to write’.

I wanted to ignore it. I resisted. I heard myself think, “no way not me and write what? A blog? But every man and his dog writes a blog. I don’t have anything of any importance to say that is not already being said better by others, I don’t want to bore people and add to the mounds of self indulgent clap trap out there…” And so on….

But the voice persisted.

Eventually I recognised the truth is that it’s time. The pressure of unspoken words is building, ideas are swirling around, a passionate voice is coming alive in me, seeking to express itself and benefit the world.

So here I am. Feeling shy, unsure and not ready but writing anyway.

Feeling unsure and not ready, but going for it anyway was a teaching journey that ultimately lead me to joy, confidence and freedom during the birth of my second child.

I wasn’t ready then either. But it happened nevertheless. My child was born as is the natural order of things, despite whatever spin I was putting on my state of readiness or not.

By the time he arrived in an explosion of amniotic fluid and ecstasy, I was well beyond worrying about being ready or not. No longer residing in the rational thinking mind of the neo-cortex, I was instead experiencing directly; living, breathing, birthing. It turns out I was ready after all.

I was never not ready. I had only to live the experience to find this out. And this was hugely transformative and powerful.

Just four hours previously however, I did not feel ready, or that labour was even imminent. Little did I know.

I was obsessing over the cleanliness of the house. Bathroom ✓, bedroom ✓, rest of the house… – a terrible toy ridden mess, at least to my eyes. And that was just the beginning of an A4 list of duties that felt imperative to be completed before I would be ready to give birth. I could feel the pressure of the unclean house, the unorganised music, the uncharged fairy lights. The list went on. There was a sense of panic that I would never be ready in time.

But it was all unnecessary worry and self induced pressure. None of the rest of the list happened. It didn’t need to. You know what? The universe had my back. The Universe was ready whatever I believed. Not only ready but listening and providing for me too. The Universe really is a friendly place and it has taken me a while to really know that.

My actual birth experience was totally nothing like my carefully considered birth plan, with everything ready and in its place and in which I calmly and unhurriedly gave birth in my tent in the garden with music and fairy lights.

Oh no nothing like that.

It was wild, loud and exhilarating and totally brilliant in every way and nothing like I would ever have imagined or planned for. I never made it outside. In fact the only two rooms I really needed were… you guessed it, the only two clean ones, the bathroom and bedroom. The Universe was looking after me, delivering the birth experience I had really asked for in a totally different way from the one I had imagined. My baby and my body were unfazed by my concerns and got on with their job unhindered.

It didn’t matter that nothing was quite ready enough and that I didn’t feel that ready either. The tiring impossibility of preparing for every potentiality was replaced by trust in the face of the unknown and my children were born in the beautiful atmosphere of trust and confidence that I had desired and worked towards

This learning lives on and this journey as a mother is bringing me answers to my seeking in the most surprising yet totally perfect and fitting way; ways that I could never have imagined, planned for or been prepared for had I been the one in charge.

So perhaps I can say that I am ready after all. So much so that being ready for anything is no longer the goal. I haven’t planned out every last miniscule detail with my business and blog before even starting. Instead I am diving in, as ready as I’ll ever need to be, living, experiencing and learning as I go along. And it’s really quite fun.
BirthEssence is available for 1:1 Work, Holistic Massage and Reiki to help you sort through your own readiness issues and come to a place of calm confidence and trust in your decisions.