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First day at school!

That strange day after a seemingly never-ending summer when the internet is flooded with pictures of children in bright coloured jumpers and blazers outside their front door squinting at the camera with varying degrees of collaboration and enthusiasm.

Parents sighing a sigh of relief, as they wrestle with a multitude of emotions from relief and pride, to sadness or worry...

I've been through many of these 'firsts'.  And this year's first day was also my middle son's first ever day at his secondary school. It was a much smoother transition than I had expected.

Although there was the one moment when he innocently asked – who’s picking me up and I stared at him blankly as I realised I had only considered getting him there…All was well with his elder brother stepping into pick him up and he is enjoying the new school.

But- I had been worried about him. It’s a big deal,  going to a new place, with new people and getting there and back independently ( which he did after the first day)  One he seemed to sail through thankfully.

Because that is not always the case.  I remember different transitions involving kicking and screaming  and protests.   And I have watched many a tearful clinging child at the school gates over the years.  

My heart always goes out to them. I remember my own shyness and hidden fears at the beginning  of my secondary school journey. I remember being daunted at primary school too.  It’s a transition we all went through and we watch our children go through, often with our heart in our mouths.   And I’m curious about those who struggle more than others.  

What is going on under the surface that means that some sail into a new environment like its an exciting adventure without a care in the world, whilst others are terrified out of their minds? Is it all down to different character traits and what forms those anyway?

I don't know all my answers but what I do know is that in my private work , the first day at school is one of the most common memories that comes up in sessions. Much to their surprise  if they have come to me to work on birth trauma.   Many come to me to work what they know of how they were born because they know there was a traumatic story there and they feel instinctively that it is still holding them back. But many others come to me because they want a new home, a career change ( often to starting their own business based on something they are passionate about) or are searching for their life partner or soul mate.  They feel blocked like it’s never going to happen for them and more often than not there are unexpected levels of fear under a general anxiety.

The anxiety, self doubt, frustrations that come up in these situations are usually a perfect mirror for what their child self went through going to school for the first time.  

Where it gets really interesting is after we have helped their inner child with that transition but the child still feels something- usually loneliness, sometimes a lack of safety, or a sense of terror without a clear reason they can point at.  

Almost always in those cases when we trace it back it leads to a new born baby.  

This is one of the first major transitions in life.  Being born we move to a new home, start a new  type of relationship (with our mother ) and embark on a new ‘career’; (being human )

 And if it didn’t go smoothly, if there is unresolved trauma from those super big transitions, it has a habit of repeating and mirroring throughout our lives whenever we meet with a similar transition.

Our lives are full of transitions big and small, Getting out of bed, getting dressed and out of the door in the morning, are all mini transitions.  Bigger ones, such as moving house or moving town, moving jobs, seeking a new relationship, having children and becoming a parent for the first time come along less often but regularly enough.  

Moving through those transitions often presents some level of challenge. Sometimes we rise to it and move smoothly through to the next stage. Sometimes we get stuck. It doens't matter how small that transition is- e.g. getting dressed in the morning. If we are stuck, we are stuck and its not nice or comfortable. We feel the gap between where we are and where we want to be.  We strive to bridge that gap with various strategies and various degrees of success.

Most people never think back to their birth in any of these situations.  We take for granted that we are here and grown up now. We  were born and we survived. These memories exist but as they were set   before our conscious memory developed,  we barely give them a second thought.  

Yet maybe we should.  I have found that when we have difficulty in our transitions today, when we hesitate or hold back for going for the things we truly want and are calling to us, there is often a link back to those first transitions in life.  

It is these links and the blueprint that we developed as we came into this world   that I will be talking about on Saturday 21st September in my free workshop Discover Your Birth Blueprint. I will be revealing the key moments in  your birth that may still be impacting you in your life today and showcasing some of the transformative work I usually only do with private clients and paid group courses that will help you liberate yourself from the embedded patterns you are used to living.

 I look forwards to seeing you there. It's going to be fun.

Photo by Mike Fox on Unsplash

Over the Easter holidays in 2024 we made our first family trip to the Gambia in ten years.

Although they are half Gambian, my two younger sons had never been and for my youngest it was also his first plane trip. Going to the Gambia was also my first plane trip in 10 years. A lot has changed. Even in The Gambia it is all digitised, fingerprints and photographs taken both on the way in and out.

Despite the changes. when the plane landed in The Gambia and I set foot on the sandy runway in the warm evening, it felt like coming home.

Two weeks later when the plane landed back in the UK and I walked off into the cool rain, it also felt like coming home.

Feeling at home is such a powerful feeling. Settled, everything right, a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Joy on both sides as family members reunite.

Yet for many of us, and for a long time myself too, we struggle to feel fully at home anywhere. Do you recognise that feeling?

For me, for years, there was something missing. A sense of being a mis-fit. Of not belonging., being on the outside.

Sometimes it would feel like life was passing me by. There was always a search, a longing. For a partner, for the right job, the ideal place to live. A search that never quite felt complete no matter the beautiful places I lived in or the wonderful people I shared time with.

The peace was fleeting.

Until I started to heal my experience of being born here. I hadn't made any connection with my struggles to find a life partner, a place to live and settle, to feel truly at home with how I had experienced being born. But it was the missing link, the key I needed to land fully here and live my life the way I wanted.

Everything changed for me when I started to do that.  I am now married with three children and feel at home in the life I have created.  

If this post strikes a chord with you then come join us for my Free Workshop
Discover Your Birth Blueprint Workshop  - 21st September 2024 

As birthday wishes are still coming in several days after my birthday ( thank you everyone – it is so lovely!) I find myself reflecting about celebrating the day of our birth.  It seems we do this without that much thought of what it was actually like as a baby making that transition. Perhaps because we don’t consciously remember it as adults.  But our subconscious self remembers for sure and has encoded what it learnt into our system.   And I wonder if the subconscious memories and learnings are part of what is behind a phenomenon I have noticed.

What I have noticed is that, particularly in Western cultures, people celebrating our birthday often fall into two broad groups.

1. The proud and happy to celebrate group. This group lets everyone know it is their birthday, make time to do something special, perhaps a party and enjoy the attention and party atmosphere.

2. The keep quiet and its just another day group.  This group doesn’t want a fuss, often doesn’t tell anyone it is their birthday hope it all passes by without anybody noticing or finding out.  They may secretly dread their birthday and the pressure to celebrate even if a part of them also longs for the attention.

Of course life is busy as an adult, and people from either group may be too busy to arrange parties and special events. Yet, still.  If like me, you have have tended to fall into the latter camp for much of your life, Why is it so hard to celebrate yourself?

Yes, there may be some other factors including natural shyness and introversion but it is more than that.  Honouring yourself in a ritual is significant.  It can honour where you are at now and how far you have come.  It can be   beautiful, intimate and touching. It can be fun and joyful.  Yet it can also feel completely alien to me and extremely uncomfortable. It can feel cringey, awkward and terrifying.  You might justify or downplay your feelings - I don't have time, it's just another day, birthday parties are for kids...

This makes me wonder.  At the discomfort some people feel when you are the object of attention, when it is time to honour and value yourself.  When I see this pattern occurring, I wonder how you were born.

In the UK over 30% of women found some aspect of giving birth traumatic ¹ – meaning the true figure is likely higher. Many of my clients have not realised the pain they were suffering was due to trauma. They saw trauma only as something that would occur if there had been a life-threatening incident where they nearly died. So they downplayed their suffering. But trauma happens when you experience a stressful or frightening incident where you felt out of control or overwhelmed and unable to cope.  Even if in reality you are not in danger you can still be left with trauma responses.  And whatever your mother goes through, the baby you also goes through, without an adult perspective to reason through afterwards.


If you have unresolved trauma, even if you don’t remember it, why would you want to celebrate the day it happened?

Picture this common scenario for a moment.

You are a baby, all comfortable in the womb, always warm, always fed, sounds are muffled.  Your mother’s heartbeat is a constant steady beat marking time pumping love and nutrients into your body at all times. Then everything changes.  It is time to be born. It is intense.  You feel the contractions pressing your body into new shapes and positions. You are moving towards your new world.

But your mother is scared.  There is noise. Other people are scared and you can sense it.  They are worried about you.  The secret fear is that something could go very wrong and you might die.  You don’t have the kind of identity boundary that an adult has. You don’t know you are separate from everything going on around you.  This is overwhelming.

You emerge. It is bright. It is loud. It is noisy and there are several people staring at you with concern wondering if you are OK.  You are moved through the air. You are terrified.  You are not sure what is going on. You cry.

Everyone celebrates this moment. You are here, you are alive you are well.

You are confused. You need time and quiet to process. You need your mother.

But there is more noise. You are passed around. You are dressed. You are wiped. Then there is silence. You are alone.  

You have never been on your own before and you cannot survive on your own. You are desperate. Where is your mother? Is she alive? Are you? What is this place?

Then she is there. You are held again. You relax.

Time passes.  You grow and you forget.

Only your subconscious self remembers. It holds the pattern of this memory of the world in your cells.

A response that can return with a vengeance when all the attention is on you at a special or important moment.   The buried terror threatens to resurface as a part of you relives that first time everyone was staring at you.   You freeze.  You default to the wounded baby who still resides deep inside. You can go to pieces without understanding why.

For this is an incomplete loop that will seek to complete itself. The pattern will repeat until the loop closes. Until the trauma has been resolved.

I notice with my clients the key moments in their life when this commonly surfaces. Events that mirror the energy of their birth where they react with a greater charge than the situation warrants.  This can occur in any every day situation such as going for a job opportunity, seeking a partner, making friends, trying new hobbies.

Or being comfortable being seen and celebrating your birthday.

As you read, what do you notice about your own relationship to your birthday?  Which part of this post touches you?

The good news is that although you cannot change what happened to you, you can change your relationship to it and your response to the world.  It is liberating to explore your own birth story and reveal the moments of your birth that impacted you.   When you resolve and heal these earliest traumas, when you change how you experience yourself in this world, you are powerful.  You are willing to stand and be seen and bring all of yourself to your life.  You are ready to finally live your life the way you want without hiding away.

It is my genuine hope and dream that you and everyone in the world gets to explore and heal how you were born so that you can get your soul oriented projects off the ground and live the life you feel calling to you. The world needs us all to be all of us.

Come to my free Workshop - Discover Your Birth Blueprint  on 21st September to learn more.

Also coming soon - Next Explore Your Birth Mini Course starts 28th September. Click here for more information.

(1 -  https://www.makebirthbetter.org/press)
Featured photo credit  HONG FENG on Unsplash ">

This week I had a fabulous opportunity to be interviewed by friend and mentor, Joel Young, Founder of the NPA Process  and host of the Be a Brilliant Human Podcast and we delved into some great topics surrounding healing your own birth.

It always amazes me how many people have not considered their own birth as a factor in how they choose to birth their children, especially if they have unexplained fears. But it is not just a useful exploration for when you are expecting a child. In this episode I delve into why it matters for all of us, especially now,  and how much our experience us when we were being born may still be impacting us now.

We covered:

It was super fun, I hope you enjoy it.